Elina: Twelve Months

Dear Elina,

Happy first birthday little bug. Officially, I can say you are a toddler now, but in many ways you are still a baby. Or at least you still feel and look like a baby to me because I see the two-year difference between your sister and you everyday. There is so much she can do, think, and say that you cannot yet. For as much as I complain about time having passed too quickly with you (it has), I should also say that I have been able to appreciate your baby-ness.

The greatest lesson you have taught me over this past year is that I can actually enjoy being a mother to both a newborn and a young infant. It took becoming a mother a second time and being your mother for me to realize that new motherhood does not have to be scary or traumatic. For that, I thank you. Being your mother has been filled with redemption and has been an opportunity for me to make peace with the dark shadows of my experience of the early days with Cati. In a way, you gave me closure and, again, I thank you. You have freed me.

I spent some time today looking through pictures and I was shocked by the clarity in which I remember the context of every photograph. The pictures of your first year of life are nowhere near as numerous as those of your sister's, but the ones I do have are more purposeful. Perhaps the reality is that I was more present during this time with you and needed less pictures and I needed more pictures of your sister because I felt like I was roaming around in the fog until she was about nine months old. Who knows? Just remember that it is not about the number of pictures, but the content and meaning of those pictures.

What struck me the most about looking through the pictures was how much you have changed. Your sister has basically had the same face since she was four months old, but not you. I look at the pictures and know it is you because of the features, but if I did not know better, I would think you a different baby. Your face has elongated and thinned out and you have become more petite and pixie-like. You have always been a beautiful baby, but you have gotten prettier with age.

This past month you have gone from taking steps to walking. You have become more expressive and have shown us how much you do understand even without words. You have turned into the most affectionate and cuddly baby and I live for those hugs and big wet kisses. You have truly come to enjoy your sister’s company: every morning you wake up and immediately go to the corner or your crib to look out for her, you love to lay down on her, and oftentimes you are her little shadow. The feeling is mutual too and my favorite memory from this month was one night when we were driving home and, not able to reach you with her hand, Cati reached out to you with her foot. The giggles that escaped both your mouths were the most beautiful sounds. Seeing the love you two have for one another feels like the greatest accomplishment I can make as a parent.

This past year we went on a journey together. We have both grown and changed. You have made me a better person just by letting me be your mother. I have seen you go from being a helpless newborn to a happy toddler with spunk. I knew if I could make it through this year with you, we would be set for life. There will be more difficulties, challenges, and changes ahead, but it was this first year together that scared me the most. We both did it. I need to take this lesson from both of you to heart: you both trust me with your lives, so I should start trusting in myself too.

Thank you Elina-bug for this past year. For choosing me to be your mother and your imperfect guide through this imperfect world.

Love always,

Mami 

Elina: Ten Months

Dear Elina,

Happy ten months sweet girl. I think I am finally over the shock of how old you are becoming. All the other months have felt so bittersweet to me as I’ve seen my baby grow and grow with no regard to how small I want her to stay. Maybe I have just accepted that you will keep on growing and that the only way to stop time or go back in time is through the memories that have been planted in my heart. Or maybe it’s just that I am starting to get excited about the milestone that will be your first birthday. Perhaps it’s the excitement of planning a party to celebrate the beauty that is you and your first year of life, which has me looking forward instead of backward. Either way, today I am living in the moment of today, with one foot ready to step off the past, the other foot ready to step in the future, and my heart firmly in the present.

This past month has been the month of movement. There have been so many falls and bumps and, again, I am amazed at the fearlessness and perseverance of a child learning how to stand and walk. You are one fast crawler and are becoming a fast climber. You hate being restrained in any way (car rides have become so much fun!) and you love trying to climb up the many stairs in our house. Being mobile means you have learned new ways to get attention and I will admit that I love when you crawl over to me, pull yourself up using my jeans, and make your dinosaur noises so that I will look at you and pick you up.

This has been the month where we are really starting to see the relationship deepen between you and your sister. Cati makes you laugh like no one else. Her concern for you is so touching and the way you follow her around is so sweet. Sharing is an issue, but this is just another thing you two will have to learn how to manage. I just hope that you always love each other and enjoy one another’s company as you do now.

I call you Elina-bug, but the more appropriate name is Elina-saurus because you sound like a dinosaur with all your hissing and gurgling noises. One day Cati even said you sounded like you swallowed a crocodile. You do, however, have more sounds in your language and this month is when you started making the dada and mama sounds. You haven’t said your first word yet, but with all the movements you are making you are more focused on learning how to walk rather than learning how to talk. I’m almost expecting your first word to be something like “yogurt” because of all the yogurt you eat! As for eating, you are still a great eater. You drink four-5oz bottles a day and you will eat almost anything I put in front of you. The only thing you don’t seem to be too crazy about are fruits; it’s as if every fruit is too bitter or sour for you with the faces you make and how quickly you spit them out.

This month you got two new teeth and, at ten months old, you have seven teeth. Teething is the only time you are ever a “cranky” baby and, luckily for you, you don’t teeth for two long.

You flew on an airplane for the first time this past month and you were such a trooper. We spent six days away from home and, aside from hating the car seat, you went with all the changes. A trip away from home, whether it is to Texas or the grandparents’ house, is something that always makes me a little sad because you are doing certain things so much younger than I would have thought I would feel comfortable with because you have an older sister. I feel as if I am letting go a little faster with you.

Ten months have gone by my little one. Lots of letting go and seeing you grow and wanting the world to stop just so I can hold you just a little bit longer. While I curse Time at times, I also thank Time for not stop and propelling me forward. I know each future moment with you will be better than the moment now, but it’s hard to say goodbye to what was. It’s so easy to stay stuck in the what-was and what-is, but because of your sister I know that the what-will-be is worth this unstoppable movement forward.

I love you always and thank you for giving me these ten months with you. Being a mother has never felt so rewarding.

Love always,

Mami

Elina: Nine Months

Dear Elina,

Happy nine months sweet girl. This past month has been one of the best months with you. I feel like I'm a little slow to the game but this past month is when I really felt bonded to you. I've always felt bonded to you but now I feel really confident in how you are growing and developing and I feel like you are my little buddy. Perhaps it was all the baby wearing on our first family vacation or us getting comfortable in our daily routine while Cati's in school. Maybe it was the smiles that great me throughout the day or the kisses or the coming to me when I call you or the giggles you spontaneously bust out in or your babbling and dinosaur hissing noises. Or maybe it was just reflecting on you reaching this inside-outside milestone where you have gone from two cells to a real person with a unique personality in 18 months.  Whatever it was, I am thankful. I am a late bloomer when it comes to motherhood, but this falling in love slowly is everything I could ask for and a dream come true.

You continue to develop and your achievements leave me in awe. You stand, you take assisted steps, you climb up stairs, you will try whatever food I put in front of you (you put your dad to shame!), you smile, you, laugh, you giggle, you play independently for a few minutes, you have a killer pincer grasp, and you love to play with your sister. Your mouth is full of five teeth and you have started letting me feed you pureed vegetables, even though I still need to give you something you can grab and chew. Bananas are your favorite fruit and you seem to really enjoy squash.

You're just a little person. More than anything this past month, you've just become more of a little person. I can watch you play for hours, watch you move things from hand to hand or to your mouth, watch you bang things and all I'm thinking is, "please keep playing so I can discover you some more." When you grabbed a toy and started giggling on your own I knew that you were on your way to being undeniably you, Elina Gabriela.

For the past nine months I have seen you grow from a tiny baby that fit snuggly in my arms to a big baby that climbs all over me and gives me wet kisses. It's hard to believe your first year of life is winding down, that soon you will be a toddler and these days of babyness will be behind us, but oh how I have enjoyed you.

Happy nine months Elina. I may not have done a great job at tracking your development or of taking pictures of you but know that I have loved you wildly and fiercely and that I have relished you without restraint.

Love always,
Mami

Elina: Eight Months

Dear Elina,

Happy eight months baby girl. I say this every month, but I can't believe you are eight months old already. At times it feels like it was just yesterday that you were first handed to me. The first month was tough and that time has become blurred in my memory but every month with you since has gotten better and better. You are now at that perfect baby age of knowing, interacting, and responding. You know who I am and that smile that greets me almost every time we lock eyes proves that you know me. You interact with me and I love when you crawl over to me and settle your little body in my lap. You respond to so much, your name, your sister's attempts at making you laugh, and the best one yet, requests for kisses. Things just keep getting better and better.

At eight months old you are a crawling expert, a standing machine, and a novice climber. You are on the move and soon the pat-pat sound of your hands hitting the ground as you crawl will turn into the stomp-stomp of  your feet as you begin walking. You love to eat and have experienced so many different kinds of foods. Your favorites seem to be banana, cheese, and roasted pumpkin with a dash of cinnamon. While it may seem wrong I love seeing how upset you get when we sit down to eat and you realize you haven't been given food. You want to do as we do and that just makes the fact that you are eight months old harder to accept; soon you WILL do as we do because you will no longer be a baby.

This past month you have wowed us with all your developments and your almost-four- teeth-filled mouth. You have discovered the fun of dumping, dropping, and pulling out (you love playing with the dirty clothes!). You still love to cuddle and sitting in the rock chair with you as you smile at me and give me kisses is one of my favorite things to do each day. You are still my content baby. You still suck on the knuckle of your right index finger whenever you're falling asleep or in need of comforting.

On the technical side, at eight months you drink four-5oz bottles of breast milk and, although you fit perfectly fine in your 6-9 and 6-12 month clothing, you are still my petite little baby. You are still sleeping through the night and you are on your way to having four teeth.

Happy eight months Elina. With all the changes you are going through, I hope you can already perceive that my love for you is a constant. I'm so glad I get to be your mommy.

Love,
Mami

Elina: Seven Months

Dear Elina,

Happy seven months baby girl. I say this every month but I really can’t believe you are seven months old. Minutes, hours, days are slipping through my fingers. My infant turned into a baby and my baby is in the process of turning into a toddler. This past month has seen so many changes and you are taking them with the same pleasantness and contentment you do with all changes. You are a sweet, sweet baby and everyday I wonder how it is possible for me to have gotten so lucky to have such an “easy” baby. You’re easy to care for, easy on the eyes, and easy to love. You have made me realize all that I missed out on with Cati because of the emotional fog that was present for my first few months with her. It’s as if I was given a reset on this whole mothering-a-baby thing and now I understand why some women completely adore this stage.

In the past month you have gotten steady with sitting, learned how to crawl, learned how to move from crawling to sitting positions and vice versa, been introduced to solid food, and dropped one of your bottles. I love to see the grace in which you move to go from crawling to sitting and the jerky movements of going from sitting to crawling. I love that your crawl is part leg shuffle and part body drag. I love to see how messy your face gets after a meal because you prefer to eat food straight off our plates instead of pureed. More than anything, I love how you just go with the flow. With Cati I would always become anxious when change was near, but with you I am calm because you handle change so well.

One of the best parts of this past month was getting the opportunity to have alone time with you. Cati started school and that has given us about an hour each day to be together. In a way, I feel like I am just now starting to get to know you because I get to see how you are on your own. With your sister around my attention is split and it’s hard to really focus on you. Don’t get me wrong, I love when it’s the three of us because I love seeing how you two interact but I also love showering you with undivided attention.

The second best part of this past month has been seeing how interactive you have become with Cati. You light up when you see her and she loves to do whatever she can to entertain and comfort you. She’s my little helper and it’s amazing how quickly I can get her to do certain things when she knows it’s for you. My favorite moment was when you started to cry and she stopped what she was doing and ran up to you, touched your face, and started singing your favorite song (“All Night, All Day”). You calmed down right away. This sisterly bond is already taking shape and I feel so lucky to see how quickly you two are starting to fall in love with one another.

I love you little one. I love everything you have done for our family. I love being a mother of two. I love seeing your father be a father of two. And I love seeing your sister become a sister. We all fall deeper and deeper in love with you everyday. Thank you so much for allowing us to love you and be your family.

Love,

Mami

Elina: Six Months

Dear Elina,

Today you are six months old. Six months. Half a year. Each month is astonishing but this month is especially so because the scales are tipping in favor of toddlerhood. Each day passed today will bring you closer to being a toddler and farther from being a baby. The changes you've undergone these past six months will soon be overshadowed by the changes you'll undergo in the months to come. Not that those changes haven’t been amazing, they are, but from today on out you will be moving toward a time that will see you learn how speak real words, crawl, walk, give kisses; a time when you will truly be able to interact with us and where we can get to know each other better.

The past six months have been a beautiful, exhausting journey. You entered our lives and since February 17th have made us wonder how we ever lived without you. You fit perfectly into our family. Despite the demands inherent in being a baby you have proved to be the calming force that tempers Cati's intense force. Over the last month your personality has begun to bloom and you are such a happy and, most importantly, content child. Whereas Cati was frenetic with motion and emotion, you exude contentment and peacefulness. Every day you amaze me with this simple truth: at six months you already are your own person with your own likes, dislikes, and quirks. You have taught me there is no mold when it comes to children and my job is to love and accept you for who you are. The distinctions I make between you are your sister aren't comparisons, they are the ways I remind myself of your individuality.

In particular, this past month has seen two teeth break through, you learning how to sit unsupported, and you dropping down to two naps a day. The best milestone (at least for us!) is the knowledge that you recognize us as important people. You cry when new people hold you and you smile whenever you see us. Each day we strive to know you and this month you proved that the love and affection we have been pouring out is working to get you to know us. That smile of yours has been worth all the hard work and tears. I have gone through some lengths to see that smile and this past month the reward for all that heard work has been so evident: all I have to do is smile at you to get a smile in return.

I love you so much it overwhelms me. I want to hold you and never let go. I want to shower you with kisses and spend my days listening to you breathe, smelling your sweet baby sent, and watching you discover the world around you. For as much as I want to see you grow and see how your love for Cati deepens, I want to keep you as small as you are today. That right there is what makes motherhood so bittersweet: each wonderful moment must sadly and unfortunately end but that end is always followed by a new beginning that is even more wonderful.

Happy six months little one. Thank you for teaching me how to love differently each day.

Love,
Mami

Six month stats: 15lbs 1.5 oz, 25" length. Five-5oz bottles a day and pumping five times a day.

More on Elina: Birth Story, One Month, Two Months, Three Months, Four Months, Five Months

Elina: Five Months

Dear Elina,

Today you are five months old. The older you get the more shocking it is that you are getting older. You will always be the baby because you are the youngest but it’s so strange to see how each day brings us closer to the end of this baby stage. This month saw the continuation of you being your sweet, content self. You still only cry when you are hungry or tired. I’m pumping five times a day and you are eating 5-oz bottles five times a day. You have gotten stronger physically and you love tummy time. It amazes me how you prefer being on your stomach as opposed to any other position.

This past month you started getting into plank, triangle, and airplane positions so I know crawling is around the corner. You are a smiley baby and you love to laugh. Nuzzling your chest and neck and munching on your toes will lead to fits of giggles. When you can reach your feet, you like to suck on your toes. Speaking of which, you still suck on your hand. Your hand is your comfort and whenever you are upset, frustrated, or tired you suck on your right hand and it calms you down right away. Even Cati knows about your love of your hand and when you start to cry she will say “Elinita chupa la mano!”

Your hand-eye coordination has gotten so much better over the past month and now you reach for anything that’s within reach. You’re able to lift things you couldn’t lift a month ago, like a rattle or small balls. You can sit in a tripod position for a few minutes and it’s so cute because you can actually see your neck that’s hidden behind those chubby cheeks. Your hair has grown in and, while it may not be a lot of hair compared to other babies, I’m still surprised by how much hair you have. It took Cati almost eight months for all her hair to grown in and you have a head covered in it at five months old.

You are still sleeping through the night and you have gotten more regular when it comes to when you nap. Your longest nap of the day is still the afternoon nap and your other two (sometimes one) naps are about an hour long. Three and a half hours is the longest you can stay awake for before getting cranky and, even still, your crankiness is quickly resolved by changing scenery.

You are my sweet, sweet baby. If I had to describe you in one word it would be “content.” You seem to simply enjoy being: being held, being played with, being looked at, and being cuddled. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing enough to keep you entertained because you are such a relaxed baby. I’ve said it so many times this month, but you really are a dream baby and it’s babies like you that make me see why people would want more kids. You complete our little family and I am so thankful that you were born to show us that no two children are alike and that there is enough room in our hearts to love someone who is completely different but equally special.

Happy five months old, Elina. Thank you for changing my life for the better on February 17, 2012. You’ve stolen our hearts with your sweet demeanor and gummy smiles. You and your sister make me laugh hysterically and smile lovingly. You are the balancing energy to your sister and you keep me rooted to the moment. I love and adore you little one and I am so honored to have been given the opportunity to mother you and show you love over the past five months of your life.

Love,

Mami

More on Elina: Birth Story, One Month, Two Months, Three Months, Four Months

Elina: Four Months

Dear Elina,

You have taught me so much this past month. You have taught me the importance of being flexible and accepting you as an individual. You constantly remind me that you are not your sister and that experiences do not repeat themselves because you are a different person. Being your mother has been an intense experience but you lack the intensity Cati herself had. Instead, you are calmly observant and have such a wonderful peace about you. It is so easy to want to be with you.

You have taught me to lower my expectations and enjoy the small victories of the day. You need and want me, nothing else. You don’t need me to be superwoman. It was hard adjusting to being needed on that most basic level again and it was hard accepting that I couldn’t do it all. In the end I realized four things: (1) you won’t be this small forever so I better enjoy it, (2) life is too long to spend so much time feeling frazzled and stressed, (3) life is too beautiful to miss out on all the heart-swelling moments, (4) and, life is also too short to not spend it enjoying the joy and simplicity of the here-and-now.

This month saw many great developments but the best one thus far was the one that confirmed I was doing all the right things: you intentionally smiled at me. You smile me all the time now and there is so much pleasure from knowing that just my presence makes you happy. I’ve learned how to make you smile and even the ways to make you giggle; sniffing your neck and making funny voices are always good places to start. You smile at your sister and I love knowing this is the beginning of your adoration for one another. Like me, Cati loves your smiles and will go as far as physically trying to make you smile while saying, “Elina sonrie.”

Another great development is that you started sleeping through the night (my definition). Even if I’m not sleeping through the night myself or if I’m staying up late and waking up early, at least I am comforted by the knowledge that once you are down for the evening, you are down until the next day. Part of this has to do with your ability to roll over and sleep on your stomach and the other part has to do with your increased hand-eye coordination and your ability to bring your hand to you mouth for sucking (you also bring just about anything to your mouth). Toward the end of the month I took away the swaddle and you adjusted well and continued to sleep the same. I love to see your little body sprawled out in your crib. The swaddle burrito is still adorable but I love that booty-in-the-air position.

There was a shift in your schedule this month. At the beginning of the month you were taking three naps during the day with one long nap in the afternoon. At the end of the month you were taking for short (60 minutes, max) naps during the day. This shift was followed by a shift of when you get your bottles and now you eat around the following times: 8:30am, 11:30am, 2:00pm, 4:30pm, and 7:00pm. You’ve also increased how much you are eating and you get 5oz bottles at all five feedings.

This past month with you has been so delightful. You are growing and developing beautifully. You are finding your voice and playing around with different sounds. You are excellent at tummy time and hold your head up high. You are beginning to do crunches so I know sitting is just around the corner. You like to stand on your feet when we hold you so I know crawling and walking are around another corner. You are spending more time being quietly actively alert. Each day comes with new developments. I am so happy I can have the pleasure of being your mother, of seeing you grow into who you are meant to be, of seeing you become our daughter, and of seeing you become a sister. You are my sweet, sweet little baby and I live for your gummy smiles and husky giggles. Thank you for choosing me to be your mother and guide through this crazy, unpredictable world.

Love,
Mami

More on Elina: Birth Story, One Month, Two Months, Three Months

Elina: Three Months

Dear Elina,

Happy three months baby girl. Three months seems like such a huge milestone to me. At some point over the past month you turned into a real baby. You were always a real baby, of course, but this past month you started smiling consistently and crying real tears. You discovered your hands and love to suck on them. You’ve started drooling and started trying to roll over from back to belly (so far, you get stuck on your side). You tolerate tummy time and can easily spend five minutes hanging out on your belly. You’ve gotten strong enough that I don’t worry about holding your head anymore. You were moved into your bedroom and your crib. You take baths with your sister every night and you smile at Cati in a way that says, “Today I smile at you because I know you, tomorrow I will smile at you because I adore you.” You are becoming more interactive with everyone and I love to hear your little cooing voice.

For as great as this past month with you has been, it’s always been hard because the overwhelming feeling of having two kids finally hit me. The bottom line is that there isn’t enough time to do everything and at the end of the day I have found myself simply letting go. The laundry and dishes will all get done eventually, I stay up later and get up earlier, but at least I am enjoying my time with you and your sister more. There’s only so much I can control and this month has been very humbling in that respect. Either way, I know you don’t care about all that; all you care about is being fed, cleaned, and loved and you are not lacking in any of those. You don't need me to do it all, you just need me.

This past month I found myself thinking about guilt and all the ways it has shown up since you have been with us. I worry that I don’t spend enough alone time with you, that I don’t hold you enough, or give you enough attention because my attention is split between you and Cati. I don’t know if all this worrying will affect you but I have been more mindful of the time alone I do get to spend with you. I make sure to look into your eyes when you are eating, I lay down with you every chance I get, and I kiss you and tell you I love you as often as I can. When I was pregnant with you I worried about feeling as if I was cheating on your sister and that’s exactly how I feel: for every kiss I give you, I make sure to give your sister one. I never want there to be competition between you girls and so many of my actions are dictated by that: is this something the other will get jealous over? make one think I have a favorite? You’re three months old and your sister is 27 months old and I am already worried about sibling rivalry.

Your third month has been full of so many changes and so little changes. You go to sleep around 7:30pm and wake up around 7:30am, are still only waking once a night (anytime between 2am and 5am), eating six times a day, and on almost the same schedule as you were at the beginning of the month with the length of naps being the only variation. Almost exactly the same as before and yet you are so much bigger, different, and more like the little girl you will become. So much is the same and so much is different. I think that’s how this month will always be remembered for me.

I love you baby girl. More than you will ever know. I wish I could hold you forever. I wish I didn’t have to pick and choose who needed me more. I wish I knew how to balance it all so that I didn’t feel guilty about you not having more of me. I try to remind myself that this is all you know but the problem is this isn’t all I know so, even though I’m an “experienced” mother, I am still so very new at this. I just hope that my worries and doubts don’t get passed on to you and that your days are spent basking in the love and attention I am able to give you.

Happy three months Elina. Each day with you is better than the last. You are still my dream baby and you make being the mother of two so easy and enjoyable. I can’t imagine having a better baby so thank you for being you and teaching me the important lesson of individuality. You are not your sister, you are you and you bring with you your own unique and special experience.

Love always,

Mami

Birth Announcement, One Month, Two Months.

Elina: Two Months

 

Dear Elina,

Happy two months baby girl. I can't believe you are already two months old. To say that time is zooming by is an understatement. The past two months have been such a blur; they've been long months but at the same time they have gone by quickly. This past month is when you started to look more like a baby and less like a newborn. It's remarkable how much like your sister you look and it's even more remarkable how different your temperament is from your sister's. There have been moments where I am struck by a sense of deja vu because of how much you remind me of your sister. The physical-ness of certain things transport me back two years, but you, dear sweet, calm Elina, bring me back to the current moment.

This past month I have thought aloud the following, "if you would have been my first child I would have still wanted three kids." You are such an easy baby and only cry when you are hungry. You are my VBAC baby and I started enjoying you at around four weeks. This is so different from Cati who was a c-section and cried so much I found myself crying with her. Cati's introduction to the world coincided with the disintegrating relationship with my own mother. With Cati it took me a solid three months to feel like I could actually be a good mother, six months to feel like I could like being a mother, and nine months to feel like I could love being a mother. Granted, I have experience on my side and two years of confidence-building child-rearing (Cati's growing and thriving!), but things with you have been so much easier. I feel as if I gracefully danced my way into being a mother-of-two instead of being thrown, head first, into it. You are a dream and before you I thought I was incapable of liking being a mother to a baby as small as you. This is the trauma of being a mother to a newborn Cati and the fear of a repeat.

The truth is I'm a different mother to you. Part of it is experience and part of it goes back to you being a different person. I keep thinking about all the things I am doing differently with you. I remember with Cati the bottle was a clutch for getting her to sleep and she would only fall asleep drinking her milk. With you, sleep and eating are two separate things. You drink your milk, stay quietly alert, and then fall asleep all by yourself after I swaddle and lay you down. I am also way more private when it comes to you and what information about you I share with others.

This past month has seen you settling into a schedule and toying around with your sleep. You're usually up at 7:30am and you eat around 8:30am, 11:30am, 1:30pm, 5:30pm, and 7:30pm. You're in bed by 8:30pm and you go from sleeping through the night to waking up twice to eat. During the day you take short naps in the mornings with one long nap in the afternoons. You're up by 5:15pm at which point you get a bath before your bottle. You play with your sister (aka sit in Bumbo seat while Cati talks to and gives you kisses) before you take a short nap. This nap is just long enough for me to bathe Cati, read her some books, and rock her to sleep. After this nap you wake up for your final meal of the day and then you go to sleep almost without any fussing.

You've started talking this month and I'm curious to find out if you'll be as big of a talker as your sister. The best part about this month is that you started smiling. The best, bestest part of this month was seeing you smile at your sister when she was trying to play with you. I wanted to lock that moment away in my heart. To see how much Cati already adores you and the beginnings of your adoration for her...this is what motherhood is all about. The moments of frustration are worth it when I get to see my children falling in love with one another.

My newborn turned into a baby this month. I find myself living at two extremes: wanting to get drunk in all your babyness and live in this very moment forever and wanting time to speed up so I can hear the sounds of your voice forming words, giggles escaping your mouth, and feet running across our floors. I want to see you interacting with your sister, with us. I want to hear "mama" come from your lips and feel the pucker of kisses. But, I also want to keep you like this so I don't forget how perfectly your small body fits in my arms or that sweet smell only little bitty babies have.

Today you are two months old. You are 22 inches and 11 pounds, 7 ounces of baby to love. In the blink of an eye you were born and have been with us for two months. The longer you are with us the harder it becomes to remember what life was like before you. You've taken our breaths away and nestled yourself into our lives. You were the second, "easy" child because that's what you were meant to be. Your sister came first because she needed more. You two have needed me in such different ways and, in a way, I have needed each of you in different ways too. For as special as Cati is because she was first, you are equally special because you are second. Your sister started our family but you are what completes us.

Everyday I feel overwhelmed with love. I feel giddy and light-headed. I feel fulfilled and blessed. It's all because of you. Your presence has opened my eyes to the beauty of our family and the endless possibilities for unconditional love. I get to share you with an amazing man and a doting big sister. Life as a family of four can only get better. So thank you Elina. Thank you for being your own individual and unique self and for being the type of baby that makes bonding with easy.

Love always,
Mami

Elina: One Month

 

Dear Elina,

Happy one month sweet girl. On February 17, 2012 you came into the world in the best way possible and the past month has been spent with us working on continuing that great start to your life. What amazed me the most about this past month is how much I had forgotten about being a mother to a newborn: I forgot about the sleep deprivation, the waking every three hours to feed, and the poopy diapers. I've found my way and we have all managed to survive.

Our biggest challenge and triumph this month has been breastfeeding. We tried for three and a half weeks to make it work. From bottle to finger to nipple shields, we tried it all. In the end, I decided it wasn't for us. Trying to nurse you was straining our relationship. I felt so detached from you and like I was simply going through the motions. I didn't want that, especially since you are our last baby. This past month has flown and I regret not enjoying you as a newborn because of how stressed and anxious I was about trying to nurse you. The relief I felt when I decided to pump was immediate and if you ask those closest to me they will tell you that I turned into a different, happier person once I decided to stop trying to nurse you. We will never have the breastfeeding relationship I envisioned but the greater accomplishment for me and the one I hold the most dear was the fact that I had a successful VBAC with you. How I felt about myself as a woman was more affected by my having a c-section than by pumping, so right now, I am triumphant.

Over the last month, you have been a dream. Aside from feeding sessions (which got so much more enjoyable with bottles), you are a great baby. You only cry when something is truly bothering you. This is a nice change from Cati who cried all the time. I fully expected another baby like Cati so you are a welcome change from what was my norm.

Speaking of Cati, she's been home with us and the adjustment has been great. I thought it would be harder getting used to the two of you, but Cati has been so great with you and so patient. Her patience is amazing, especially when you consider how hard you and I have struggled with breastfeeding (a session would take hours to complete). She also loves you very much and loves to give you hugs and kisses. I love to see how she interacts with you and hear her call you "hermanita." I am dying for you to get older so I can see how you interact with each other. I can already tell you are going to do whatever Cati tells you because you are going to look up to her.

The past month has had its up and downs but it ended on an up. It began with me wondering how I would survive and ended with me knowing I could survive. Today I want to shout it to the world "I am happy! I have two beautiful daughters and I couldn't be luckier." That right there is priceless and worth giving up on nursing.

I love you little girl. Thank you for being a great baby and for making our transition from a family of three to four fairly smooth. If you were a "difficult" baby I don't think I would have tried as hard to make nursing work. You have filled our lives with so much happiness and I look forward to truly enjoying you from now on.

Love you always,
Mami

Twelve Months

Today is a milestone little one. It is a milestone for our entire family: it has been one year since you were born, one year since I gave birth to you, and one year since we became a little family. Today you say hello to toddlerhood and goodbye to babyhood.

And what a goodbye you gave. In the past month you have grown up so much and become such a little girl. I've said it before that I see you more as an active little person versus a blob of a baby but when I say that I mean I see you as an independent active little person. You can do so much on your own from walking to feeding yourself to playing on your own.

In this past month you have started to let others into your private little world. You bring us toys to play with you, you chat up a storm in your own little language, you like to engage us in games like peek-a-boo and hide-and-seek, and you aren't afraid of interacting with new people anymore (especially babies). You are so social and active.

The downside to you being so active is that now you hate sitting still and being tied down for more than ten minutes. Car rides and walks in the strollers have reverted back to that newborn stage because you start throwing a fit (in the form of crying, throwing toys, and swinging feet or some combination of those three things). My car now looks like a traveling Toys R Us because of all the things needed to keep you entertained and distracted. At one point this month I even timed your attention span: shortest time 32 seconds; longest time seven minutes.

You have always been a happy baby but this past month you showed us your range of emotions particularly anger and sadness. You showed us we could hurt your feelings by telling you no. You also showed us how much it hurts your feelings when I don't put you down to sleep myself. You are such a sentimental little girl and now it takes consolation on an emotional level to make you feel better as opposed to the consolation on a physical level marked by the first few months of your life. You also showed us your sense of humor and ability to understand the absurd (me skipping seems to be a personal favorite).

The past month in your life has been wonderful and magical. Each day my little stranger becomes more familiar. Each day I understand you better and see you as a wholly separate entity. The month was split in two for me: on one level the month was spent seeing you come into your own and letting us in your world and on another level it was spent in preparation of the one day that would celebrate the most amazing 365 days.

This past month you stopped drinking breast milk and started drinking cow's milk. You gained another tooth and expanded your vocabulary with the addition of "agua" (water) and you helped us realize day after day how lucky we are to be your parents.

Photo by Yania of Breathtaking Memories

Today is February 14th. Today you woke up to the most annoying rendition of "Happy Birthday to You". Today I not only get to reflect on the past month of your life but also the past year. Today is the day I get to assess the whole of your life instead of its parts. Today I get to celebrate you in the most loving way: one year ago you came into my life and blessed me with the gift of motherhood and unconditional love and awe. For that there are not enough thank yous in the world.

Eleven Months.

You get better and better with each passing month. Although I am sad about how quickly the months are passing, my sadness is diminished by how amazing you become the older you get.  This past month was particularly special because I really started seeing you as a human in miniature. You were no longer just the baby; you were just like me but a third of the size and without the vocabulary.

You have the funniest sense of humor and find everything amusing and interesting. You make us laugh with your giggles that don't seem to match the sweet and high pitch of your voice. I'll never forget the fit of giggles I put you in just by saying "squeak" or the way you squeal and smile every time you see Perla.

You started walking this month and I think that's what set off my "human in miniature" thought process. You are so tiny and yet so big. Not even a year old and you are a walking little person whose growing independence at times feels like a stab to the heart. I love to hold your hand and walk with you; the feel of your little hand nestled in mine and of your body rocking back and forth as you take steps is something I never want to forget.

With the onset of walking I feel like you have become more independent. You have always been good at playing by yourself and keeping yourself entertained but walking has opened up your world. I try to sit and play with you but as soon as I'm at your level everything fades as you throw yourself at me and proceed to either climb on me or pick and point at anything covering my body (your favorites are my earrings, necklace, hair, and, ironically, my boobs).

I feel like the first ten months of your life were spent fattening up and the last month was spent lengthening up. You still have rolls but they aren't as numerous. You are stretching out all over and everything looks so much bigger. I can hardly remember what you looked like as a newborn. Or rather, the truth is I can hardly believe you were ever that small.

One tooth broke out this month. So much for teeth coming in pairs and in quick procession. The beginning of the month was spent with the tooth making its full appearance and the end of the month was spent waiting for the stubborn second tooth to break out.

What makes teething really annoying with you has nothing to do with a differing sleeping pattern at night or a grumpy personality, it has to do with your solid feedings. You drink your milk just fine but getting you to eat anything is a struggle. You literally go on a hunger strike and either refuse to eat anything at all or only eat things that I'm assuming feel really good on your aching gum. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better but it seems like we just need to ride the teething out.

Because teething has put quite a damper on feeding you, we haven't made much headway in the new foods department. I think the only new things you tried this month were beef, fish, and broccoli. Other than that I have been giving you new combinations of the foods you've already tried, more finger foods, more snack foods, and more table food. While I still make all your food I am beginning to enjoy the freedom that comes with not having to prepare you something completely separate from what we eat. So it seems that while I have not introduced many new foods to you this month, I have introduced enough variety of food to you before that you are fully capable of partaking in our meals.

You amaze me every second of every minute of every day. You are beautiful, lovely, sweet, affectionate, and you have my temperament to boot (cute as a baby, probably not going to be cute as a teenager). You have a tooth, you walk, talk, smile, giggle, throw tantrums, and feel hurt when we tell you no. You fit perfectly into our world and my hope is too make our world good enough for the perfection that is you.

Ten Months.

It's all a blur. I know I say it all the time but this past month has literally swept passed me. Where did your nine month of life go? I feel like I was writing about your eighth month of life five minutes ago. I guess this is a testament of how fun you have become. One day you will learn and understand the meaning behind the saying "time flies when you are having fun." I have laughed with you and been in overwhelming awe of your budding personality. You are such a character and love to make us laugh with your viejita and Popeye faces. You love to dance, bouncy, clap, and eat. In short, you love to be in motion.

I've seen comprehension develop and interaction expand. I can talk to you and actually have you respond. I love how you call Perla "go", say "da" when you want more food, and say "mama" when you are frustrated with me. If I clap and laugh you clap and laugh as well. If I start dancing you will either bounce up and down or sway your head from side to side. If I tell you no, you stop, hesitate, give me a devilish smile, and then continue on with what you were doing. You test your boundaries, limitations, and my discipline. You especially love to test the power of my no when it comes to the stairs. You will crawl toward them, stop when I say no, and then actually speed up when I walk toward you to move you away from the stairs. It's as if you are trying to run away from me! You are too little for that!

You are still a fantastic eater, even though you took a strike on food when you started teething. You tried lots of new things including egg whites, broccoli, chicken, jell-o, mozzarella cheese, american cheese, millet (huge fail!), vanilla ice cream, vanilla cake, crackers, butter, strawberry jelly, and split pea soup. Your favorites, however, are the different chicken soups (chicken with carrots, sweet potatoes, and nutmeg or chicken with carrots, green beans, and garlic) I make you. This is definitely win-win because I get to eat these soups too and they are delicious.

As I said earlier, you started teething this month. You had gone through a few nights of restless sleeping but it wasn't until the last week of the month that you started acting funny by rejecting your solids. A week of weird behavior and a visible tooth below the gumline signaled possible teething. Sure enough, at the end of the month you could actually feel the tooth. So your first tooth is going to be your bottom middle right tooth. It's going to be hard saying good bye to that gummy smile but at least I've had the pleasure of knowing and loving it these past 10 months.

You love to stand and your stance has gotten firmer and stronger. At the beginning of the month you could only stand with your feet planted far apart and it could only be done if you were either put into place or if you stood up holding onto something and then let go. Your sense of balance obviously improved throughout the month because now you can stand with your feet planted close together and you don't need anything or anyone to help you stand. I love to see you go from a knees-bent position or a butt-in-air position to standing. Even more proof of your increased strength and sense of balance is that you are starting to take tiny steps. You became an efficient cruiser this month so it's no surprise that you are further testing your body by trying to take steps unassisted. While I have patiently awaited the appearance of your first tooth, your daddy is patiently awaiting the days where he can hold your hand and walk with you.

This is the month where I stopped pumping. I met my goal and couldn't be happier. For all the complaints, fears, tears, and pain along the way, it was a bittersweet moment. I was beyond thrilled to be done but sad to say farewell to something that defined my mothering for so long. I feel more free now and more comfortable in my body and this has ultimately helped me to be a better mother to you. This is probably part of why the past month has flown by; there is no pump to tie me down and take time away from you. I can sleep in and go to sleep when I want and I can prepare all your bottles for the day in the morning. It's so liberating.

Thank you little one for giving me the gift of motherhood and unconditional love. As much as I will miss the months that have passed I am greatly anticipating the months yet to come. All I hope for is that you know how much you are loved and that one day you will still love me as much as you do now despite being able to recognize my faults.

Nine Months.

Note: These monthly letters are written as if I am writing them to Cati.  

Nine months. With each passing month I am more and more amazed with you and with how quickly time is passing. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday I was holding you in my arms for the first time. Sometimes it feels like those days where I would cry with you happened in another lifetime. Such is motherhood. It changes as you change and it becomes rosier as the incomprehension of new motherhood turns into the comprehension you only get with time and with getting to know this perfect stranger of a child.

You become more and more of a little person the older you get. It never ceases to amaze me that a few short months ago you were a blob of a baby, completely reliant on me for survival. You are still reliant on me but now you move around, you talk, you laugh, you throw tantrums, and you eat big people food. Of the many sounds you make that I will miss as you continue to grow is the sound of your hands speedily hitting the ground as you crawl.

This past month was spent with me greedily awaiting the appearance of your first tooth. No luck. This little tooth perfectly symbolizes the bittersweet nature of motherhood; I am anticipating its arrival and picturing how adorable you will look but at the same time I love your gummy smile and am sad at the end of that smile that contains all the happiness of your babyhood.

I also spent the month going from three pumps to one pump a day. From the beginning I said I wanted to make it to nine months pumping. I have. While I am beyond thrilled and proud of reaching this goal I find myself hesitation about quitting. Pumping once a day is so easy and convenient, why stop? I've already done so much and there's enough frozen milk to get you pretty close to a year. I guess I'm just not ready to accept the idea that you no longer need me in that sense.

You started cruising this month. You haven't reached the point where you do it because you can though. You only do it when you want something. You love to stand and love to practice standing on you own. At the beginning of the month whenever you'd stand you'd fall back and plop on you bum. Now you go from standing to a lunge-like position to sitting. Your movements have become more fluid and controlled.

You turned into a big eater this month. Sometimes I think I feed you too much. But I'd rather feed you more than not enough. At nine months you get almost 5 Tbsp of cereal plus 4 oz of breast milk for breakfast, 6-7 Tbsp of fruit, veggies, and beans for lunch, and 20 oz of breast milk a day.

The light bulb really went off in your head in terms of communication this month. If I say "la manito" you twist your hand, if I say "palmitas" or "yay" you clap, if I say "hi" or "bye" you open and close your hands. You know who Perla is and you know what a "pato" (duck) is and that it goes "quack." You respond to your name and oftentimes say "aehh." You also say "aehh" whenever you are about to do something you're unsure about; it's as if you are asking if it's ok for you to proceed.

You are such a happy baby. You love to smile and laugh. You are such a physical baby. You are always in motion. You are curious and inquisitive. You love kisses and hugs. You're still touch and go with fruits but the trick is to give you tart fruits in puree form and sweet fruits in share-with-mommy form. You are still sleeping through the night although you do toss and turn a lot. You look more and more like a little girl and your hair is growing faster than anything else on you.

Nine months old. You have been outside and growing for as long as you were inside and growing. I love you more today than ever. I love getting to know you and spending my days with you. As always I thank you for being my daughter and giving me the gift of motherhood.

Eight Months

Note: From this month on, I'll be writing these posts as if I am writing them to Cati. 

In what feels like a fraction of a second you have turned 8 months old. Although, in the grand scheme of things it has only been 8 months, it feels like you have been a part of and with me my entire life. I have been preparing myself for you all along and somewhere along the line I started to feel comfortable in my ability to be your mother. I'm still scared and constantly wonder whether I'm doing right by you, but getting to 8 months and seeing how much you have grown and changed in such a short time is the answer to all my doubts and questions. You are 8 months old little stranger.

You are becoming more and more independent. I love to watch you play. I love to watch roll around with your lovey. I mourn the loss of your army crawling, but I love to watch you crawl. You look so tiny when you crawl which makes me wonder if the size of the world around you even registers in your mind. I love how content you are to play on your own up until you are ready to eat and/or tired, then you come to me and try to climb your way onto my lap.

I love your innocence most of all. The way you smile at everyone without judgment. The way you laugh wholeheartedly. The way you view the world as a giant playpen free of dangers and people who want to hurt you.

Each month I get to know you better. You're like a puzzle and I'm trying to piece together your personality. You love to laugh. You hate Perla's piercing barks. You love your veggies. You hate your fruits. You love to crawl. You hate to sit still.

This month you blessed me with sleeping through the night. You showed me how strong you have gotten by going from pulling yourself up to your knees to pulling yourself to standing on anything and everything, including Perla.

You've allowed me to stuff you with 3 Tbsp of cereal plus 3 oz of breast milk in the mornings and 4-5 Tbsp of veggies for lunch. You've expanded your foods to include turkey, cauliflower, purple potatoes, green beans, and zucchini. You've filled me with giggles when you chew your food and you've filled me with frustration when you blow and spit out your food.

I love the schedule we were on for the second half of the month. You'd be in bed by 7:30pm and awake by 7:30am. In between that you have cereal at 8:00am, a bottle at 9:30am, a nap, lunch at 12:00pm, a bottle at 3:00pm, a nap, then bath, bottle, and bed. You still don't have teeth so I don't expect this cozy schedule to last.

On the mom front, this past month saw me really stepping out of my comfort zone with trips out of town. It was hard enough to pack for you without worrying that I would forget my pumping gear. We survived. Of course, I knew you would; I just didn't think I would. I haven't changed anything about my pumping routine, but the past month has been spent with me mentally preparing myself for the end of my pumping days. I look at my freezer stash and know there's enough in there to get you to a year and yet I'm afraid to stop pumping. For as much as I want the freedom to travel without the pump, the freedom to go out without worrying about needing to be home to pump, and the freedom to reclaim my body, I am sad to see the functionality of breasts go away. I'm sad to think that I will no longer be providing for you. It's irrational and the physical pros outweigh all the emotional cons, but it's all so bittersweet. I made it to 8 months pumping and you've had nothing but breast milk. I should be proud to being so close to my goal. I should be, but my joy is tinged with guilt and remorse.

One of the things I like about you getting older is how comfortable I feel with you. I know you better. You cry less and interact more. Most days it's just me and you. Most days you don't see your dad. I thought I had it tough in the beginning (shudder at the thought of those first 3 months) because your dad was so busy. But now he is a million times busier. And yet, it's not as bad and I don't feel as overwhelmed.

Motherhood is a journey. Reaching 8 months has been just like passing one of those mile markers on the road. You can see that you are approaching it, you can see when you pass it, and you like to count them as zoom past your window. It's a gauge for how far you have come and proof that you are getting on in your travels. Sometimes they pass by so fast you forget what you saw between them and sometimes what you see between them blows your mind and you forever remember that spot. I've been your mother for 8 whole months. I fall in love with you every single day. Thank you for being mine.