Thursday, May 17, 2012

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Elina: Three Months

Dear Elina,

Happy three months baby girl. Three months seems like such a huge milestone to me. At some point over the past month you turned into a real baby. You were always a real baby, of course, but this past month you started smiling consistently and crying real tears. You discovered your hands and love to suck on them. You’ve started drooling and started trying to roll over from back to belly (so far, you get stuck on your side). You tolerate tummy time and can easily spend five minutes hanging out on your belly. You’ve gotten strong enough that I don’t worry about holding your head anymore. You were moved into your bedroom and your crib. You take baths with your sister every night and you smile at Cati in a way that says, “Today I smile at you because I know you, tomorrow I will smile at you because I adore you.” You are becoming more interactive with everyone and I love to hear your little cooing voice.
For as great as this past month with you has been, it’s always been hard because the overwhelming feeling of having two kids finally hit me. The bottom line is that there isn’t enough time to do everything and at the end of the day I have found myself simply letting go. The laundry and dishes will all get done eventually, I stay up later and get up earlier, but at least I am enjoying my time with you and your sister more. There’s only so much I can control and this month has been very humbling in that respect. Either way, I know you don’t care about all that; all you care about is being fed, cleaned, and loved and you are not lacking in any of those. You don't need me to do it all, you just need me.

This past month I found myself thinking about guilt and all the ways it has shown up since you have been with us. I worry that I don’t spend enough alone time with you, that I don’t hold you enough, or give you enough attention because my attention is split between you and Cati. I don’t know if all this worrying will affect you but I have been more mindful of the time alone I do get to spend with you. I make sure to look into your eyes when you are eating, I lay down with you every chance I get, and I kiss you and tell you I love you as often as I can. When I was pregnant with you I worried about feeling as if I was cheating on your sister and that’s exactly how I feel: for every kiss I give you, I make sure to give your sister one. I never want there to be competition between you girls and so many of my actions are dictated by that: is this something the other will get jealous over? make one think I have a favorite? You’re three months old and your sister is 27 months old and I am already worried about sibling rivalry.

Your third month has been full of so many changes and so little changes. You go to sleep around 7:30pm and wake up around 7:30am, are still only waking once a night (anytime between 2am and 5am), eating six times a day, and on almost the same schedule as you were at the beginning of the month with the length of naps being the only variation. Almost exactly the same as before and yet you are so much bigger, different, and more like the little girl you will become. So much is the same and so much is different. I think that’s how this month will always be remembered for me.

I love you baby girl. More than you will ever know. I wish I could hold you forever. I wish I didn’t have to pick and choose who needed me more. I wish I knew how to balance it all so that I didn’t feel guilty about you not having more of me. I try to remind myself that this is all you know but the problem is this isn’t all I know so, even though I’m an “experienced” mother, I am still so very new at this. I just hope that my worries and doubts don’t get passed on to you and that your days are spent basking in the love and attention I am able to give you.

Happy three months Elina. Each day with you is better than the last. You are still my dream baby and you make being the mother of two so easy and enjoyable. I can’t imagine having a better baby so thank you for being you and teaching me the important lesson of individuality. You are not your sister, you are you and you bring with you your own unique and special experience.

Love always,

Birth Announcement, One Month, Two Months.

1 comment:

Desi said...

Aww I loved this. What a special letter. Loved this line, "You don't need me to do it all, you just need me." So true! Don't stress or worry yourself too much. You are doing a great job!