Elina: One Month

 

Dear Elina,

Happy one month sweet girl. On February 17, 2012 you came into the world in the best way possible and the past month has been spent with us working on continuing that great start to your life. What amazed me the most about this past month is how much I had forgotten about being a mother to a newborn: I forgot about the sleep deprivation, the waking every three hours to feed, and the poopy diapers. I've found my way and we have all managed to survive.

Our biggest challenge and triumph this month has been breastfeeding. We tried for three and a half weeks to make it work. From bottle to finger to nipple shields, we tried it all. In the end, I decided it wasn't for us. Trying to nurse you was straining our relationship. I felt so detached from you and like I was simply going through the motions. I didn't want that, especially since you are our last baby. This past month has flown and I regret not enjoying you as a newborn because of how stressed and anxious I was about trying to nurse you. The relief I felt when I decided to pump was immediate and if you ask those closest to me they will tell you that I turned into a different, happier person once I decided to stop trying to nurse you. We will never have the breastfeeding relationship I envisioned but the greater accomplishment for me and the one I hold the most dear was the fact that I had a successful VBAC with you. How I felt about myself as a woman was more affected by my having a c-section than by pumping, so right now, I am triumphant.

Over the last month, you have been a dream. Aside from feeding sessions (which got so much more enjoyable with bottles), you are a great baby. You only cry when something is truly bothering you. This is a nice change from Cati who cried all the time. I fully expected another baby like Cati so you are a welcome change from what was my norm.

Speaking of Cati, she's been home with us and the adjustment has been great. I thought it would be harder getting used to the two of you, but Cati has been so great with you and so patient. Her patience is amazing, especially when you consider how hard you and I have struggled with breastfeeding (a session would take hours to complete). She also loves you very much and loves to give you hugs and kisses. I love to see how she interacts with you and hear her call you "hermanita." I am dying for you to get older so I can see how you interact with each other. I can already tell you are going to do whatever Cati tells you because you are going to look up to her.

The past month has had its up and downs but it ended on an up. It began with me wondering how I would survive and ended with me knowing I could survive. Today I want to shout it to the world "I am happy! I have two beautiful daughters and I couldn't be luckier." That right there is priceless and worth giving up on nursing.

I love you little girl. Thank you for being a great baby and for making our transition from a family of three to four fairly smooth. If you were a "difficult" baby I don't think I would have tried as hard to make nursing work. You have filled our lives with so much happiness and I look forward to truly enjoying you from now on.

Love you always,
Mami