Elina: Twelve Months

Dear Elina,

Happy first birthday little bug. Officially, I can say you are a toddler now, but in many ways you are still a baby. Or at least you still feel and look like a baby to me because I see the two-year difference between your sister and you everyday. There is so much she can do, think, and say that you cannot yet. For as much as I complain about time having passed too quickly with you (it has), I should also say that I have been able to appreciate your baby-ness.

The greatest lesson you have taught me over this past year is that I can actually enjoy being a mother to both a newborn and a young infant. It took becoming a mother a second time and being your mother for me to realize that new motherhood does not have to be scary or traumatic. For that, I thank you. Being your mother has been filled with redemption and has been an opportunity for me to make peace with the dark shadows of my experience of the early days with Cati. In a way, you gave me closure and, again, I thank you. You have freed me.

I spent some time today looking through pictures and I was shocked by the clarity in which I remember the context of every photograph. The pictures of your first year of life are nowhere near as numerous as those of your sister's, but the ones I do have are more purposeful. Perhaps the reality is that I was more present during this time with you and needed less pictures and I needed more pictures of your sister because I felt like I was roaming around in the fog until she was about nine months old. Who knows? Just remember that it is not about the number of pictures, but the content and meaning of those pictures.

What struck me the most about looking through the pictures was how much you have changed. Your sister has basically had the same face since she was four months old, but not you. I look at the pictures and know it is you because of the features, but if I did not know better, I would think you a different baby. Your face has elongated and thinned out and you have become more petite and pixie-like. You have always been a beautiful baby, but you have gotten prettier with age.

This past month you have gone from taking steps to walking. You have become more expressive and have shown us how much you do understand even without words. You have turned into the most affectionate and cuddly baby and I live for those hugs and big wet kisses. You have truly come to enjoy your sister’s company: every morning you wake up and immediately go to the corner or your crib to look out for her, you love to lay down on her, and oftentimes you are her little shadow. The feeling is mutual too and my favorite memory from this month was one night when we were driving home and, not able to reach you with her hand, Cati reached out to you with her foot. The giggles that escaped both your mouths were the most beautiful sounds. Seeing the love you two have for one another feels like the greatest accomplishment I can make as a parent.

This past year we went on a journey together. We have both grown and changed. You have made me a better person just by letting me be your mother. I have seen you go from being a helpless newborn to a happy toddler with spunk. I knew if I could make it through this year with you, we would be set for life. There will be more difficulties, challenges, and changes ahead, but it was this first year together that scared me the most. We both did it. I need to take this lesson from both of you to heart: you both trust me with your lives, so I should start trusting in myself too.

Thank you Elina-bug for this past year. For choosing me to be your mother and your imperfect guide through this imperfect world.

Love always,

Mami 

Elina: Ten Months

Dear Elina,

Happy ten months sweet girl. I think I am finally over the shock of how old you are becoming. All the other months have felt so bittersweet to me as I’ve seen my baby grow and grow with no regard to how small I want her to stay. Maybe I have just accepted that you will keep on growing and that the only way to stop time or go back in time is through the memories that have been planted in my heart. Or maybe it’s just that I am starting to get excited about the milestone that will be your first birthday. Perhaps it’s the excitement of planning a party to celebrate the beauty that is you and your first year of life, which has me looking forward instead of backward. Either way, today I am living in the moment of today, with one foot ready to step off the past, the other foot ready to step in the future, and my heart firmly in the present.

This past month has been the month of movement. There have been so many falls and bumps and, again, I am amazed at the fearlessness and perseverance of a child learning how to stand and walk. You are one fast crawler and are becoming a fast climber. You hate being restrained in any way (car rides have become so much fun!) and you love trying to climb up the many stairs in our house. Being mobile means you have learned new ways to get attention and I will admit that I love when you crawl over to me, pull yourself up using my jeans, and make your dinosaur noises so that I will look at you and pick you up.

This has been the month where we are really starting to see the relationship deepen between you and your sister. Cati makes you laugh like no one else. Her concern for you is so touching and the way you follow her around is so sweet. Sharing is an issue, but this is just another thing you two will have to learn how to manage. I just hope that you always love each other and enjoy one another’s company as you do now.

I call you Elina-bug, but the more appropriate name is Elina-saurus because you sound like a dinosaur with all your hissing and gurgling noises. One day Cati even said you sounded like you swallowed a crocodile. You do, however, have more sounds in your language and this month is when you started making the dada and mama sounds. You haven’t said your first word yet, but with all the movements you are making you are more focused on learning how to walk rather than learning how to talk. I’m almost expecting your first word to be something like “yogurt” because of all the yogurt you eat! As for eating, you are still a great eater. You drink four-5oz bottles a day and you will eat almost anything I put in front of you. The only thing you don’t seem to be too crazy about are fruits; it’s as if every fruit is too bitter or sour for you with the faces you make and how quickly you spit them out.

This month you got two new teeth and, at ten months old, you have seven teeth. Teething is the only time you are ever a “cranky” baby and, luckily for you, you don’t teeth for two long.

You flew on an airplane for the first time this past month and you were such a trooper. We spent six days away from home and, aside from hating the car seat, you went with all the changes. A trip away from home, whether it is to Texas or the grandparents’ house, is something that always makes me a little sad because you are doing certain things so much younger than I would have thought I would feel comfortable with because you have an older sister. I feel as if I am letting go a little faster with you.

Ten months have gone by my little one. Lots of letting go and seeing you grow and wanting the world to stop just so I can hold you just a little bit longer. While I curse Time at times, I also thank Time for not stop and propelling me forward. I know each future moment with you will be better than the moment now, but it’s hard to say goodbye to what was. It’s so easy to stay stuck in the what-was and what-is, but because of your sister I know that the what-will-be is worth this unstoppable movement forward.

I love you always and thank you for giving me these ten months with you. Being a mother has never felt so rewarding.

Love always,

Mami

Austin Trip

We flew out to Austin December 6th. Following a stressful week at school, I was so excited about being able to take a break and visit some place new. It was just the girls and me on this trip and, if I knew then what I know now, I don't think I would have gone through with the trip.

The plan was to visit Austin in October with Alex but things got complicated and I was afraid I would be even more stressed out going on a trip like this in the middle of the semester so the trip was postponed to December. I don't know what I was thinking when I booked the trip, but the reality of having to entertain two mobile and short attention spanned children on a plane and be the only adult they feel comfortable with for close to a week, did not sink in. The weekend before the trip was when I became nervous. The morning of the trip I was an anxious mess. Timing was bad and there was no one available to take us to the airport. With the help of so many kind strangers, I managed to get two kids, a stroller, a big piece of luggage, a duffle bag, and four small bags checked in and on the flight to Austin.

When we got to the terminal I went into one of the stores with the girls and let Cati pick out something for Elina and herself. Elina got a blue stuffed teddy bear and Cati picked out a Crayola backpack full of crayons, markers, chalk, and paper. I will forever be thanking Cati for this choice because that backpack was all we needed on the flight to Austin. Well, that and lots of snacks. We had a row to ourselves (no one wanted to sit next to us!) so once the seatbelt sign went off, girls were free to crawl and walk around out little row. I tried to treat the three-hour flight like we were playing at home, just in a much more confined space.

My dad surprised us at the Austin airport and my sister drove us home. For six days, my sister had three car seats in the back of her car. We did as much as we could sanely do and my girls took turns being cranky whenever there was a car ride. We spent the last two days there just hanging out at the house because I could not bring myself to another car ride.

While there, we visited The Capital and walked around the downtown area. We visited Pioneer Farms and ate at The Salt Lick (delicious!!!). We ran Color Me Rad and had a girls night out. I got to cuddle with my niece and see how my girls interacted with their cousin.

It was so much fun but so exhausting. Getting the girls to sleep in a new environment is always fun and for the three of the nights I slept with Cati and the other three nights I slept in an inflatable bed in the girls' room. Elina woke up each morning crying like a banshee (she was the house's alarm clock). The girls wanted to be with no one other than me and my dad would joke around and call them my shadow. The last two days were particularly rough because that's when Elina started teething so she was even  clingier and, in general, my patience as the parent doing everything was running dangerously low.

I was nervous again the day of the flight back. Luckily, the flight back had more kids so I didn't feel as bad if my girls acted up. I had more help from strangers and was soon on my way home. When I spoke to Alex that day he asked if I missed him or if I just missed the help. The truth was, I missed both and I missed that feeling of being able to walk away knowing my daughters wouldn't cry out for me and that feeling of having someone else feel the responsibility of parenting this children as much as I do. I missed him having my back and I felt so lucky I got to come home to this amazing man my daughters felt so comfortable around.

The flight back was just as smooth as the flight to Austin. We didn't even need the Crayola backpack on the flight back because the girls were more entertained with playing with each other and eating snacks. The girls did, however, pass out as soon as we were in the car driving home.

What's funny or sad or ironic to me is how quickly we can step back into the old roles and routines of everyday life. I was happy to be home but within hours of being home I was already stepping back into the frazzled-ness that I feel characterizes me at the moment. Again, the trip was great and I am so happy we survived, but I think I will be waiting a long, long, long time before I travel by myself with the girls again.

And after all that has been said, here are pictures from our memorable trip to Austin, Texas:

Flying to Austin

At Home & Out and About

The Capital

Pioneer Farms

The Salt Lick

Flying Home

Again, it's feels so good to be home. I love my family and am so thankful for all the time I got to spend with them, but there's no place like home. I think even the girls were starting to miss home. I was afraid they would be thrown off, but even they have gone back to their roles and I can happily report that there has been no banshee crying here. 

Elina: Nine Months

Dear Elina,

Happy nine months sweet girl. This past month has been one of the best months with you. I feel like I'm a little slow to the game but this past month is when I really felt bonded to you. I've always felt bonded to you but now I feel really confident in how you are growing and developing and I feel like you are my little buddy. Perhaps it was all the baby wearing on our first family vacation or us getting comfortable in our daily routine while Cati's in school. Maybe it was the smiles that great me throughout the day or the kisses or the coming to me when I call you or the giggles you spontaneously bust out in or your babbling and dinosaur hissing noises. Or maybe it was just reflecting on you reaching this inside-outside milestone where you have gone from two cells to a real person with a unique personality in 18 months.  Whatever it was, I am thankful. I am a late bloomer when it comes to motherhood, but this falling in love slowly is everything I could ask for and a dream come true.

You continue to develop and your achievements leave me in awe. You stand, you take assisted steps, you climb up stairs, you will try whatever food I put in front of you (you put your dad to shame!), you smile, you, laugh, you giggle, you play independently for a few minutes, you have a killer pincer grasp, and you love to play with your sister. Your mouth is full of five teeth and you have started letting me feed you pureed vegetables, even though I still need to give you something you can grab and chew. Bananas are your favorite fruit and you seem to really enjoy squash.

You're just a little person. More than anything this past month, you've just become more of a little person. I can watch you play for hours, watch you move things from hand to hand or to your mouth, watch you bang things and all I'm thinking is, "please keep playing so I can discover you some more." When you grabbed a toy and started giggling on your own I knew that you were on your way to being undeniably you, Elina Gabriela.

For the past nine months I have seen you grow from a tiny baby that fit snuggly in my arms to a big baby that climbs all over me and gives me wet kisses. It's hard to believe your first year of life is winding down, that soon you will be a toddler and these days of babyness will be behind us, but oh how I have enjoyed you.

Happy nine months Elina. I may not have done a great job at tracking your development or of taking pictures of you but know that I have loved you wildly and fiercely and that I have relished you without restraint.

Love always,
Mami

Life Lately

Trying to "have it all" is easier said than done. Trying to do it all is even harder. I'm four weeks away from being done with school and it's taking all the energy I have to sprint to the finish line. I'm still waiting for things to get "easier" with the girls  and although some things have gotten easier, things have gotten so much harder. Both my girls are mobile and, while they're demands may be different, they still demand a present and participating mama. My lap and arms are prime real estate around here and as soon as one child vacates the space, the other jumps in to fill the void. Dr. Seuss said it the best when he said, "Life's a great balancing act."

Whenever people ask me how I'm doing I always say I'm surviving. Each day is a triumph. There are moments of frustration, meltdowns, tears, and big emotions. But, there are also moments of spontaneous kisses and "I love you very much." There are sweet sisterly exchanges that capture my heart and tender hugs that remind me why I choose Alex to live this crazy life with. Everyday is about surviving, but it's also about enjoying those moments that make you smile at the beauty that is a life well lived.

The updates on life have been sparse around here. The one thing that always gets neglected when things get busy is the blog. I have so much to say but when it comes time to put those words down, there's always something else that needs to be done first. Today though, there will be an update. In the past two months:

• I have become an aunt. Carolina Michelle was born on September 29, 2012 and was 8.5 lbs of baby love. 
• I have said good-bye to my sister as she left Miami to live in Austin, Texas. I miss her so much and not having her here makes Miami feel so empty. 
• We went on our first family vacation. The last time we went to Disney we had just started dating. To go back now, with two kids, was such a surreal moment. 
• I spent a whole weekend alone and it felt sooo good. Alex was away for work and the girls stayed with the grandparents. I ran with the wind, ate without sharing, slept without interruption, and missed the girls incredibly. The breaks was long overdue and I felt so refreshed and ready to take on another day. 
• I spoke to my mom after more than two and half years of not talking. It was shocking and different and, as with everything, it's all a process. 
• I booked a flight to Austin, Texas to visit the family over there. I can't wait to see my sweet niece again and I am just a tiny bit terrified of traveling with two children by myself. 
• Elina has started to take assisted steps, somehow has a mouth full of five teeth, and has started to drink formula (more on that later). 
• Cati has started yoga and loves to test boundaries, particularly with Alex. She is in the categorizing stage of development and has begun to pay attention to labels and groupings. While I know this is normal, it saddens me that I won't be able to control the way she sees the world anymore because she is paying attention to the labels and groupings other people used. For example, it broke my heart to hear her call herself "shy" because someone at school called her that and it bothered me to hear her say she liked a toy because it was a "girl" toy. I don't want her labeling herself when (a) she doesn't know what the word means and (b) what if she sees herself differently? I also don't want her seeing things as only for boys or only for girls because then she is going to start limiting or censoring herself. 
• I have had to learn and learn and learn again that parenting is hard and it isn't always what you think or want it to be (see above). There is so much we don't have control over as parents. I just hope I am doing a good enough job that allows the girls to accept themselves wholly and approach the world without restraint. 

And that is life lately. It feels like a lot has happened in the last two months and, at the same time, it feels like barely anything has happened. Either way, time keeps on ticking and soon tomorrow will be here.

By the way, any tips on traveling with kids? How about things to do in Austin?

First Family Vacation

We took our first family vacation two weekends ago and decided to go to the happiest place on Earth: Disney. We drove up to Orlando on a Saturday (after my first ever 6-mile AM run!) and drove down to Miami on a Monday. Because we stayed at my aunt's house we were able to stay longer and be in complete comfort. There were many tantrums (on the first day Cati cried and cried because she didn't want to go to Disney), interesting sleeping arrangements, and a lot of picture taking. Despite not being able to ride much with the two girls, we were able to do quite a bit. We went to all four parks and even had dinner at Downtown Disney on the first day there.

The first park we went to was Magic Kingdom and this park had the most rides for us to ride. Cati's favorite was the "It's a Small World" ride and now she sings the song around the house when she's in a good mood. My favorite part about this park was seeing Alex and Cati ride the race cars together.

The second park we went to was Animal Kingdom and this one had the most opportunity for character pictures. I thought Cati would be freaked out but she loved all the characters, especially Minnie Mouse, Tigger, and Daisy Duck. It was also at this park that we found out how scared Cati was of dark rooms and loud noises (Rainforest Cafe and The Bug's Life show). The best part about Animal Kingdom was seeing how excited Cati was during the safari ride. While at this park we told Cati she could have whatever she wanted from the Rainforest Cafe store. Do you know what she chose? A pink hat. With all the toys and stuffed animals and candy, she chose a hat. I love that kid.

On our last day in Orlando we went to Hollywood Studios and Epcot. We ended up doing both because there wasn't much for us to do at either park except walk around. This was the perfect way to spend our last day in Orlando because it was low-key. We even got to do something adult-ish with the Food & Wine Festival at Epcot.

Elina was the "easy" one on the trip and spent most of the time in the sling. Cati had her tantrums and thought bedtime was a game, but, for the most part, she behaved so well. So well, in fact, that we can't wait to go back again.