Sunday, March 14, 2010

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One Month

My little love baby turns one month old today. I can't believe I have been a mom for a month now. I can't believe I was pregnant a month ago. Time has flown, which seems ironic considering how slowly time seems to move when you have a newborn. You live life in 3 hour spurts or in whatever spurts of time you have between feedings. I feel things started off rough with us and it took me some time to adjust. I loved my daughter from the moment she was born but the sense of overwhelming responsibility definitely caused anxiety. How am I supposed to care for her? How am I supposed to help her become a good person? How am I supposed to provide for her? How am I supposed to mother her? Can I even be a good mother?
I also had to adjust to having this little human being be completely and utterly dependent on me. I've never had anyone need me as much as she does and that took some time to get used to. I care for her 24 hours a day. This is the hardest work I have ever done in my life. The first year of law school was a piece of cake compared to this. I am fortunate enough that I get to stay home with her but this doesn't mean I spend my days lounging around. I am constantly doing something for her or thinking about her. There is no true break from her.
Being Catarina's mother for the past month has been the hardest and most rewarding thing. I've learned to love in a whole new way. My life has been enriched. I love that each day is a new opportunity for us to get to know one another. I love the bittersweet feeling of seeing my newborn grow and change into a baby. I love how her features have become more defined and she looks less and less like the child she was on February 14th. I love how she becomes fixated on my face when I feed her; her stare reassures me that each day she understands more and more that I am her mother. In short, I love everything about being her mother.
My love for Alex has also grown in immeasurable ways. His support and praise have been the biggest ego boosters when I felt my weakest. He has made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. His love for our daughter has confirmed what I have always known: he was born to be a great father and I chose the right man to share my life with.It took me a few weeks but I finally feel competent and confident in myself. I finally feel like I am becoming a mother and I finally feel prepared to tackle everything parenthood has in store.

2 comments:

Christina said...

Aww, she looks so cute in the pink chair!

Katrina said...

So sweet! Love the photos. Glad you're doing well and so happy!