Life Lately

Trying to "have it all" is easier said than done. Trying to do it all is even harder. I'm four weeks away from being done with school and it's taking all the energy I have to sprint to the finish line. I'm still waiting for things to get "easier" with the girls  and although some things have gotten easier, things have gotten so much harder. Both my girls are mobile and, while they're demands may be different, they still demand a present and participating mama. My lap and arms are prime real estate around here and as soon as one child vacates the space, the other jumps in to fill the void. Dr. Seuss said it the best when he said, "Life's a great balancing act."

Whenever people ask me how I'm doing I always say I'm surviving. Each day is a triumph. There are moments of frustration, meltdowns, tears, and big emotions. But, there are also moments of spontaneous kisses and "I love you very much." There are sweet sisterly exchanges that capture my heart and tender hugs that remind me why I choose Alex to live this crazy life with. Everyday is about surviving, but it's also about enjoying those moments that make you smile at the beauty that is a life well lived.

The updates on life have been sparse around here. The one thing that always gets neglected when things get busy is the blog. I have so much to say but when it comes time to put those words down, there's always something else that needs to be done first. Today though, there will be an update. In the past two months:

• I have become an aunt. Carolina Michelle was born on September 29, 2012 and was 8.5 lbs of baby love. 
• I have said good-bye to my sister as she left Miami to live in Austin, Texas. I miss her so much and not having her here makes Miami feel so empty. 
• We went on our first family vacation. The last time we went to Disney we had just started dating. To go back now, with two kids, was such a surreal moment. 
• I spent a whole weekend alone and it felt sooo good. Alex was away for work and the girls stayed with the grandparents. I ran with the wind, ate without sharing, slept without interruption, and missed the girls incredibly. The breaks was long overdue and I felt so refreshed and ready to take on another day. 
• I spoke to my mom after more than two and half years of not talking. It was shocking and different and, as with everything, it's all a process. 
• I booked a flight to Austin, Texas to visit the family over there. I can't wait to see my sweet niece again and I am just a tiny bit terrified of traveling with two children by myself. 
• Elina has started to take assisted steps, somehow has a mouth full of five teeth, and has started to drink formula (more on that later). 
• Cati has started yoga and loves to test boundaries, particularly with Alex. She is in the categorizing stage of development and has begun to pay attention to labels and groupings. While I know this is normal, it saddens me that I won't be able to control the way she sees the world anymore because she is paying attention to the labels and groupings other people used. For example, it broke my heart to hear her call herself "shy" because someone at school called her that and it bothered me to hear her say she liked a toy because it was a "girl" toy. I don't want her labeling herself when (a) she doesn't know what the word means and (b) what if she sees herself differently? I also don't want her seeing things as only for boys or only for girls because then she is going to start limiting or censoring herself. 
• I have had to learn and learn and learn again that parenting is hard and it isn't always what you think or want it to be (see above). There is so much we don't have control over as parents. I just hope I am doing a good enough job that allows the girls to accept themselves wholly and approach the world without restraint. 

And that is life lately. It feels like a lot has happened in the last two months and, at the same time, it feels like barely anything has happened. Either way, time keeps on ticking and soon tomorrow will be here.

By the way, any tips on traveling with kids? How about things to do in Austin?

This Week in Mommyhood

If I had to pick one word to describe the past few weeks it would be overwhelmed. I'm going through a period of feeling overwhelmed and feeling like there is too much to do and not enough time. It all started when I forgot about a test and only had about an hour to properly study for it. Then, Cati with her toddler coping skills called the babysitter "ugly." I felt like a huge fail; I sucked at school and I sucked at being a mom. I have tried my hardest to tell Cati that people are not ugly, instead they do ugly things and she still called someone ugly. Then, I started internalizing all the crankiness in the house and felt that it was all because of me and not giving the girls enough attention. It was a whole set of issues that led to me deciding that I need to work harder at taking a day off from everything so that I could just be with the girls.

Here are Elina's fun developments over the last two weeks:

Baby Crawler. Gone are the days of the drag-and-crawl. Elina is full-on crawl mode and girl gets around. It still strikes me as weird having two mobile kids in the house. When did Elina get big enough for crawling? The best part of the crawling is that now Elina comes to me when she wants cuddles and comfort. I also love to see her follow me around the house and the big smile she gives when she's reached me.

Pulling Up. Of course, crawling isn't enough for Elina and she has begun to pull up. She will try to pull up on everything which means there have been lots of extra tears around here as things fall when they can't handle her weight. Between the crawling and this I am back in paranoid mommy mode with all the stairs in our house.

Bye Bye Bottle. Elina has dropped to four bottles a day, four hours apart. I dropped the bottle because she was becoming really fussy with her bottles and wouldn't finish whole bottles. So in an effort to save milk and make feeding time a little more enjoyable, I decided to drop one of her bottles. I tried increasing her intake in the four bottles to make up for the lost bottle but she seems perfectly content with drinking her 5-ounce bottles.

Toothy. One of Elina's top teeth came in. Thank God for that too because I was starting to wonder who switched out my sweet, mellow baby for the cranky one that's been in our house this week.

Here are Cati's fun developments over the last two weeks:

Still Adjusting. Cati is still adjusting to school. I did not expect that, four weeks in, Cati would still be crying each morning at drop off. Luckily, she gets over it quickly and seems to enjoy herself but it still makes the mornings stressful because I know the car ride will be filled with "I don't want to go to school" and separation will be marked by crying. What makes things even harder for me is picking her up from school and having her tell me she cried because I left her.

Molars! Cati is the slowest teether on the planet. Her two bottom molars finally broke through after weeks of us being able to see them under the gum.

Emotions. Proud mommy moment here...Cati is able to label some of her emotions! I work hard on naming emotions so that Cati can "use her words" instead of reacting physically. Well, one day Elina took one of Cati's toys and instead of yanking the toy back or pushing Elina away from the toy she said (in Spanish), "Mami, I'm mad because Elina took my toy."

The girls are growing and developing and it's simply been hard for me to keep up. I just hope things change a little bit or that I at least find a way to let go some more so that I can feel a little more in control of things around here.

This Weekend

I haven't been this excited about a weekend in a long time. Usually I look forward to the weekends because it means Alex will be around and I'll get an extra set of hands with the girls. This weekend, however, I'm excited for entirely different reasons.

First, a certain someone is going to pop and we all get to meet the newest member of the family. I can't believe I'm going to be meeting my niece this weekend. My sister told me she was pregnant the day after Elina was born so I have been anticipating her due date for multiple reasons: 1) I get to meet, hold, and cuddle with a new baby; 2) I get to experience a baby as an aunt instead of a mother; and 3) it means I survived seven whole months with Elina! While Elina was growing from newborn to baby my sister's baby was growing from cells to newborn. So amazing.

Second, I'm participating in my first 5K. I am so excited about this. I've been diligently exercising and running for close to a month and this weekend I'm doing something to officially prove how hard I have been working.

The best part is that I get to run with my two biggest supporters. My girls are part of the reason I have been so strict with myself about exercising; I want them to grow up with the idea that exercise is something that is a normal part of life, something organic and not something to be done because of peer or societal pressure. I want them to be healthy and comfortable in their own bodies. My work with this is already paying off because Cati loves to exercise with me (butt kicks and jumping jacks are her favorites), she asks to exercise daily, and she especially loves to do stretching exercises.

My goal is to do one fitness event a month. This month it's the Hyundai Hope on Wheels Miami Children's Hospital 5K. Next month it will be The Color Run. My ultimate goal is to train and participate in Disney's Princess Half Marathon in February.

So this weekend: Pure Awesomeness.

This Week in Mommyhood

Every day over the past two weeks I have had to give myself a pep talk.  "You can do this." "Feeling overwhelmed is normal and temporary." "You will sleep in again...eventually." "One day, sooner than you think, you are going to miss the things you complain about." Having two kids isn't necessarily harder, it just requires more balance, patience, and feeling ok with letting go. It also requires coming to terms with never eating or using the bathroom alone again.

Here are Elina's fun developments over the last two weeks:

Crawling & Sitting. Elina is getting better and better at crawling each day. Now she can go from a crawling position to a sitting position and vice versa. I'm still blown away by the fact that we have two mobile children in the house.

Baby-Led Feeding. It's official. Elina does not like purees. I've tried offering her different kinds of purees over several days and she does not like them. Put small pieces of food in front of her and she is a happy eater. It's hard for me to remember what she's tried exactly because she goes after almost everything that's on my plate, but she definitely is a big fan of whole wheat pancakes, banana, and beans.

Here are Cati's fun developments over the last two weeks:

School. The biggest thing going on with Cati is that she started school. Considering how much she liked school last year and how much she talked about school over the summer, I thought she would have a smooth adjustment to school. The truth is that Cati has had a hard time adjusting and it has left me wondering on a daily basis whether school is the right thing. Granted, things have gotten a lot better and we're at the point where she's happy when I pick her up, but every morning is a battle with her. I never want to push her to do something she doesn't want to do but school is good for all of us: I get some time to do schoolwork, Elina gets one-on-one time with me, and Cati gets to play with other kids her age. She's only going a couple of hours a day but I still feel incredibly guilty. I don't know what I'm going to do when both girls needs to be in school so I can do my internships.

Every night I pray that the girls sleep through the night and wake up the next morning in good moods. Each morning I pray for patience to make it through the day and for the ability to stop and simply enjoy being with the girls. Motherhood right now for me is all about survival. Almost seven (!!) months into this mom-of-twoness and I'm still trying to figure it out. Each weeks brings me a little closer and I can't wait for the day I find myself saying, "Wow. I feel so good, comfortable, and confident about being a mom of two!"

This Week in Mommyhood

I think it looks cute when I see kids dressed the same but I don't like it for my girls. One of the first things I said when I found out I was pregnant with another girl was "I'm never going to dress them alike." As with most things in motherhood, you have no control, especially when you have a toddler who (1) you want to grow up feeling like her opinions matter and (2) is known to have killer tantrums. So when Cati picked out polka-dot outfits for her and Elina to wear, I ground my teeth, kept my mouth shut, and let it happen. Cati was so excited about their matching outfits and spent the whole day comparing the shades of the polka-dots on their dresses. Motherhood really is about letting go of what you want so that your child can find her own voice.

Here are Elina's fun developments from the past week:

Crawling. Elina is crawling! This week Elina figured out how to move forward. She hasn't figured out how to move her hands just yet, but she will move her legs forward and then drag the rest of her body. This has been a fun development and everyone is cheering Elina on, especially Cati.

Peek-A-Boo Baby. Playing peek-a-boo with Elina has been more of me covering my face and reappearing. This week, however, playing reached a new level because now Elina can pull things off her face. I love seeing her little hands work to remove things covering her face and the smile that comes across her face when she does so.

Feeding Update. The only new food Elina tried this week was cauliflower. She seemed to like it, but she preferred it when I gave her some with a sweet and chewable piece of banana. Elina is definitely interested in food now and she gets fussy when we sit down to eat because she wants to eat too.

Here are Cati's fun developments from the past week:

Steps. Cati is starting to walk up stairs one leg at a time (versus planting both feet on a step before moving on to the next one). Little things like this make her seem so big.

Pronouns. It's fascinating to me how Cati is learning how to use pronouns. She understands when to use them and will use them properly in every instance except when it comes to I. I wonder why and if I-usage is the last one to be mastered.

Cati starts school tomorrow and I am nervous and excited. Nervous about how she will handle the transition and excited about having some one-on-one time with Elina. Hopefully Elina thinks I'm fun without her goofy sister around!

This Week in Mommyhood

The past two weeks have been full of lots of excitement and changes. I started school last week and, while I was extremely nervous, it went well. Thankfully, my mother-in-law was able to be here with the new babysitter so it made leaving the girls, especially Elina, easier. This week might be a different story but at least the first week back didn't see me crying on the way to school. For as much as I missed being with the girls and giving them kisses goodnight, the time away did wonders for me; being able to miss the girls makes me appreciate my time with them more.

Here are Elina's fun developments from the past two weeks:

Food! This is, by far, the biggest development with Elina. I tried giving her oatmeal cereal the day after she turned six months and she didn't really get it. On the one hand, I didn't think she was ready to start solids and on the other hand, I didn't think she would take to eating solids easily because she has always been a fussy eater. I didn't push the cereal on her (plus, it made her spit up a lot) and I tried a different approach, which was giving her something small to chew on. Elina had no problem with chewing and actually seems to prefer eating things she can chew. I haven't tried giving Elina any purees because I'm focusing on giving her things like cooked rice grains, banana pieces, and avocado pieces to eat.

All Fours. Crawling is near. Elina is starting to do all the things Cati did before she started to crawl. Elina gets on all fours and rocks and thumps her legs when she's on her back. I'm still trying to wrap my head around having two mobile kids.

Name Recognition. Elina responds to her name! I love her name so much and feel it really fits her so it's great to see that she knows it's her name. She's becoming more and more of a little person every day.

Here are Cati's fun developments from the past two weeks:

Potty Update. Cati is doing so well with potty training that I find myself feeling good about waiting to potty train until now. She hasn't had a peeing accident since the first couple of days and she's even peed in public bathrooms. The only area we have issues with is pooping and Cati holding it in until it hurts. She's getting extra fiber in her diet but she still doesn't feel comfortable pooping in the potty. Regardless, I'm so proud of her and so impressed by how well she has handled this transition. Things like this make me realize how much of a little girl Cati is becoming.

Here's to another week of surviving and, most importantly enjoying having both girls at home.

This Week in Mommyhood

Summer is winding down and not only will Cati be starting school in a few weeks but I'll be starting school next week. Aside from trying to calm jittery nerves, I'm trying my hardest to enjoy the girls while I can. Despite crankiness, this has been a beautiful week. My girls are constantly doing things that leave me in awe and I'm so thankful for all the time I get with them.

Here are Elina's fun developments from this past week:

Squeals. Elina is getting really vocal but it's not the cooing I was expecting. Baby girl is a squealer! I think it's pretty funny but Cati is especially entertained by the squealing and loves to mimic Elina.

Nap Changes. I think it's official: Elina is down to two naps a day. What bothers me is not so much that she's napping less often, but that she's old enough to start dropping naps. Where is my baby going?

Second Tooth. Ahhhhh!!! The second tooth broke through on Thursday, August 9. Elina looks so cute with a tooth and she must think so too because she's been so smiley lately.

Peek-A-Boo. This is the new game in our house and Elina gets it! She starts laughing like it's nobody's business and the best part is when Cati gets involved and she makes Elina laugh. My heart melts every time I see the girls interacting with one another.

Here are Cati's fun developments from the past week:

Liar Liar. Cati told her first lie! At first I couldn't believe it and then I was impressed; she made a statement and then came up with a justification.
It all started when we were at the table having dinner. Elina was sitting in the highchair between Cati and me (Cati loves having Elina next to her) when suddenly Cati pushed the highchair away. This was our conversation:

Cati: Elina time out
Me:  Que hiso? (What did she do?)
Cati: dio Cati golpe. (She hit Cati)
Me: Quando? (When?)
Cati: (nonsensical mumbling)

It just blows me away that her little brain has developed to this point. Sure, she's been doing more and more imaginary play, but this is her experiencing reality in a whole new way. Let's just hope this is the last lie she ever tells!

Bunny Love. Cati's love for her bunny is still going strong. She is so affectionate with her lovey and it's gone beyond "I love you." She actually said, "Bunny, I missed you!"

Potty Training. We have officially begun potty training (Friday, August 10). Cati showed signs a year ago and even went in the potty, but I was pregnant and lazy and feared regression once Elina was born. I was right on the regression thing because after Elina was born Cati had absolutely no interest in the potty. I didn't want to push anything on her after Elina was born and I wanted to wait until Elina was old enough to be capable of entertaining herself while I gave Cati extra attention. We had a box of diapers and I told myself I would start potty training once the box was done. All week I had been preparing Cati by counting down the diapers. The first day of training she only had one accident and was so proud of herself she even invented a little song and dance. The second day wasn't as good and she had three accidents and had a stomachache at the end of the day from holding her poop. The third day was better and there was only one accident and lots of dancing. Cati's treat every time she uses the potty is either an M&M, half a jelly bean, or a Tic Tac. She still wear a cloth diaper for naps and bedtime and right now I just want her to be good with using the bathroom during the day so we can leave the house again. Three days at home with a toddler who is extra cranky when she doesn't leave the house  is dreadful!

Each day gets better and this week is going to be a happy and sad week. Both my girls are reaching milestones with Cati turning 2.5 years old and inching closer to 3 and Elina turning 6 months and inching closer to 1.

This Week in Mommyhood

The past two weeks have been a pretty busy. Nothing has really happened but both girls have been a handful because of developmental spurts; Elina is cranky with teething and Cati isn't sleeping well. I'm hoping they both start feeling better because I feel like I've participated in a triathlon at the end of each day. In the middle of all the craziness there will be a moment of peace and I get to enjoy the beauty of each child and the wonder of sisterhood. I really do love these silly girls.

Here are Elina's big development from the past two weeks:

Tooth! Elina's first tooth broke through on Saturday, July 28th and the second one is just below the gum. I still can't believe that my five-month old has a tooth when it took her older sister ten months for the first tooth to show up. I haven't gotten nearly enough pictures of Elina's gummy smile and I'm sad to see those gummy smiling days come to an end.

Bottle Holder. Elina has been real interested in holding her bottle and over the last couple of weeks she's actually been able to hold it all on her own. This is huge because it makes being out with two so much easier. 

Here are Cati's big development from the past two weeks:

Manipulator. Cati has turned into a little manipulator and I love it. It just shows how comfortable she is with us that she knows what to do to get her way. When either of us are upset with her or tell her she can't do something her immediate response is to ask for the other parent. She's already learning that if you can't get your way with one parent then you need to try the other parent.

Left Right. Alex taught Cati how to look left and right before crossing the street and, as a result, Cati now knows her left from her right. This is great because if she had to rely on me for this she wouldn't get it because I am always confused about what's left and what's right.

Playhouse Fun. For the past few months we have been talking about getting Cati a playhouse so that she could play in our backyard instead of always having to walk/drive to the park. We finally got it this past weekend and she has been in heaven. Yesterday morning we all sat outside and enjoyed the weather while Cati played in her house and I hope we have more days like yesterday.

Other than that, my supply has rebounded a bit but it's still not what it was pre-mastitis. I'm still trying to figure out what to do in terms of pumping and right now I'm trying to take it day by day. Either way, I'm trying to focus on how great it's been to even make it this far with two kids. I think my goal is to make it to six months pumping how I am now and then I'll reassess and see how it's all going to work out with me going back to school. Speaking of which, I'm so nervous about starting school and leaving Elina with a sitter. If I thought it was hard leaving a year ago when it was only Cati, this year I will be a sobbing mess leaving both girls.  And with that in mind, I'm trying to enjoy both girls as much as possible.

Elation & Disappointment

It always amazes me how a particular situation or moment can make a person feel conflicting emotions. How, for instance, you can feel happy about a new beginning but sad about the ending of what comes before that new beginning. My sister is pregnant. She has been pregnant and today was her baby shower. I have been happy for her and so excited about meeting my niece but I've also been worried about her. Being a parent is hard and I don't want her to suffer. If there were a way to ease a person into parenthood I would make sure she knew about it. I hadn't shared her pregnancy on here before because of selfish reasons: acknowledging her pregnancy on here felt like acknowledging the fact that the day was nearing when I would see my mother again.

It's been almost two and a half years since I have seen or spoken to my mother. Two and a half years of her missing out and choosing not to participate in the lives of her granddaughters. Right now, there is no greater insult to me than not acknowledging the existence of my daughters. These sweet, precious, innocent, miraculous children have turned my world upside down and changed me to the core. They are everything to me so it's hard to understand how they can mean so little to someone like a grandmother. The road that led to how things are today is one that's full of tears, pain, and scars. When the fallout happened I was angry and hurt; is the love for a daughter and granddaughter not enough to accept the relationship between that daughter and her father? As the months passed by and Cati reached milestone moments (both birthdays in particular ) that were ignored, the hurt and anger subsided and turned into resignation (ok, she really doesn't care) and indignation (if she cares so little then she doesn't even deserve to know them). But, despite the feeling, there has always been anxiety lurking. Surely, we can't continue to spin in our own little worlds without ever crashing into one another. And when we crash, what will happen? Will all the scabbed over wounds reopen and let old hurts pour out? Would those hurts be even more painful because of the years of silence?

I knew my sister still spoke to my mother. I guess she's a better person than I am because she's put up with more from my mother than I would have tolerated. Every time my sister called me with another story of heartbreak caused by our mother I was dumbfounded. How can that women still be capable of disappointing after so many years of disappointment? More importantly, how can my sister still handle the disappointment? I would be angry for my sister, angry at my mother, and sad that a mother-daughter relationship could be so empty. And so when I found out my sister was pregnant I knew it was her little world, the world that's part of both my world and our mother's world, that would set us on the path of contact. I didn't want to acknowledge the inevitable confrontation because I wanted to be happy for my sister. This is, after all, her moment; her moment to give life and experience the beauty of becoming a mother. I tried to not think about the woman that has filled so many hours of my life with sadness but as the baby shower drew nearer I knew I had to think about the reality of seeing her again.

I mentally prepared as much as I could. I told myself to put my sister front and center and to focus on her. I can be civil or at least I can try for the sake of my sister. However, she didn't show up today, even after saying she would. My anxiety over seeing her was dulled because, again, my sister was disappointed with something our mother didn't do. The look of resignation on her face when she accepted that our mother wasn't coming is one I wish she never had to wear. In that instant I wished our mother would have shown up. I wished it with all my heart. I wished that in that moment of celebrating the life that's growing inside her, my sister didn't also have to feel like her mother didn't care. The elation over expecting and becoming a mother was mixed with the disappointment that your own mother isn't there celebrating the amazing changes that lay ahead of you. There are so many things I wish I could protect my sister from. My path to motherhood was hard because I was dealing with the loss of my own mother and I don't want that to happen to my sister. I missed out on so much joy because when I should have been celebrating the beginning of my daughter's life I was also mourning the ending of my relationship with my mother.

Today, right now, I am angry. Every person deserves a mother who loves them. No one deserves a mother who chooses to withhold that love. Life is full of disappointment but one should never be disappointed by the person who should be the one person who loves you without conditions, limitations, or restraints. Regardless of the obstacles or who's present, a parent should never choose to not be a part of something that means everything to their child. Now I hope our worlds collide just so I can say, "You've ruined it for me but don't ruin it for the the child who still has hope for you."

This Week in Mommyhood

The past 72 hours have been miserable for me. I don't know how but I manged to get clogs in both breasts and then mastitis in the right one. I've been pumping around the clock and started a round of antibiotics but I'm still quite uncomfortable. What's worse is the guilt I feel over feeling so sick I Can't be with my family. Alex was a trooper yesterday and did everything; the only thing I did was rock Cati before bedtime. I don't know how much longer I'm going to pump but I'm going to follow the advice my friend gave me, "Don't decide to quit on a bad day. Doing it on a good day removes some of the regret." Right now I feel so torn because I want to pump but the physical pain of when things are bad and everything that needs to be done to make things better makes me want to stop. I simply don't know and I Just have to remind myself that things will get better.

Here are Elina's fun developments from the past two weeks:

Drool. I forget how much babies drool. Elina's clothes are always soaked from all the drooling.

Reaching for Things. Elina has gotten really good at reaching out for things. Her hand-eye coordination is improving daily and she's even able to swivel her body around if she wants to reach something that's at her side.

Airplane Position. Cati calls this position "avion" (airplane) and that's exactly what Elina looks like when she lifts both her arms and legs off the ground.

Sitting. Elina loves being on her belly and I mean she loves it. It's hard to have her in any other position because she is constantly trying to find a way to get on her belly. She does, however, sit for short amounts of time and she has the trunk strength to sit but she prefers being on her belly.

Hair! Elina's little bald spot is growing in and it's made me more aware of how much her hair has grown in general.

Cranky and Fussy. Elina has been a little cranky and fussy lately. She's been fighting sleep and crying more than usual. At first I thought it was because of the Gential Violet in her milk but I stopped using it and she has still been cranky. One of the weekly newsletters I get said that from now (22 weeks) until about 6 months is another period of crankiness and fussiness due to developmental changes. I hope that's it because I miss my sweet, calm baby.

Here are Cati's fun developments from the past two weeks:

No Quiero. A while back, one of the bloggers I follow mentioned how her daughter (a little older than Cati) told her "I don't like you." I told Alex about this and he couldn't believe a child that young would be capable of saying something like that. Now when Cati's upset she will say she doesn't love you and the most heartbreaking thing she has said was "Papi no quiere Cati. Papi quere trabajo" (Papi doesn't love Cati. Papi loves work). Now when she says she doesn't love us we tell her it's a shame because we still love her and eventually she comes around and says she loves us. We've also made more of an effort to tone down how much we talk about Alex's job.

Paprika & Red Pepper. I bought Alex paprika and red pepper infused oils as a gift. He loved the oils but the best part was having Cati learn the words paprika and red pepper. Cati is learning words at such a rapid pace that we need to be mindful of the things we say around her because we don't know what words will stick.

Paper Boats. My mother-in-love likes to make paper boats for Cati. Cati must love it too because every time she comes across a little piece of paper, she will crumble it up and say it's a boat. I love seeing how her imagination works and how she's able to pretend.


Teething. I can't wait until Cati is done teething. The past few weeks have been tough with her because she's having trouble sleeping and has been sick to her stomach. Her bottom right molar is coming in and I wish I could do something to will all her molars to come out so that she can go back to being a happy toddler.

Yo, Tu, Mi, Nosotros. Cati is getting really good at using the Spanish equivalents of I, you, me, and us. She still talks about herself in the third person, but it's about 50-50 now where she'll say either Cati or Mi/Yo. She's also gotten really good at changing what I say about her (example, "tu quieres cookie") to apply to herself ("yo quiero cookie"). Again, language development is simply amazing. I like that she's learning how to talk properly but I'm going to miss how she refers to herself in the third person; I love hearing her say her own name!

I pray more than anything that today is the day I return to normal. I don't know how much I can take. 

This Week in Mommyhood

The past few weeks have been busy. Other than Cati starting her swimming lessons and Elina fighting off her first cold, nothing new has happened. Even still, I feel as if I am constantly having to relearn how to let go and not feel the need to do it all. At least I can say that I am truly enjoying my girls and I am loving all the extra time we are all getting with Alex. I am also loving that Alex and I are working out together (one week of Insanity done!) and keeping each other motivated.

Here are Elina's development from the last two weeks:

Discovery of Feet. Elina has discovered her feet! I love seeing how she contorts her little body to get a hold of those yummy feet of hers.

Diapering. I'm trying to be a little greener and efficient with our money and, as a result, we are exploring cloth diapers. I don't know if we'll be able to do it full-time, but my goal is to at least use both and spread out how often we buy disposable diapers. I have some bumgenius diapers and some gdiapers.  I especially like the gdiapers because they are a hybrid between disposable and reusable.

 

Here are Cati's development from the last two weeks:

Feeling Guilty. Pumping is still going strong and the only thing that makes it hard is Cati. When I'm pumping Cati likes to put her chair next to mine and play with the pump's tubing. One day she did this and tried to touch my nipples after I finished pumping and I lost it. I yelled and instantly felt horrible but then I felt even more horrible because she kept asking Alex, "Que hizo Cati?" ("what did Cati do?"). I felt so guilty about yelling and having her know that she did something to upset me that I couldn't even bring myself to talk to her. I know it's all part of life, but I wish I could control my reactions better so that she never has to worry about me being mad at her. I just want her to know love and I need to stop underestimating how well she's able to understand emotion and the roll she plays in causing certain emotional reactions.


Shopping. Cati understands more and more about our lives every day. If you ask her where I shop she'll tell you Publix and if you ask her where Alex shops she'll tell you Home Depot. She knows we get deli meats at Publix and eggs at Walgreens. What really amazes us is that she knows this simply by seeing who goes where. These are just little tidbits of our everyday lives that she's picked up on and sorted in her head.

Little Driver. I don't like driving. I only do it because I need to drive. Most of the time I get annoyed with people on the road and end up saying, "Come on people!" It never occurred to me that Cati was paying attention until one day when we were parked in front of our house and Alex put Cati in his lap (he was driving). Cati immediately went for the steering wheel and said, "Come on people! Beep beep!" We couldn't stop laughing. She's a mini me in training!

Here's to more surviving. By the way, have I mentioned how much I hate the terrible twos!?

This Week in Mommyhood

I reached a peak (or is it a low?) in my exhaustion. There cannot possibly be another level of exhaustion. I love my girls and I love being with them but I couldn't stop myself from fantasizing about taking a trip completely alone. To be somewhere without anyone knowing me. To not have to respond to anyone's needs or worrying about anyone's schedule. To have a real break and able to recharge. To carry a small purse for once and to be able to choose when to be awake and when to fall asleep. To have a break from being a mother and to have the chance to miss it. That won't be happening anytime soon so for now I simply wish to sleep in and miss out on the morning bustle of getting two kids fed and dressed for the day. Surely, that one's easier to do. Now if I could just have coordinate this with Alex's job we'd be set.


Here are the fun developments from the past week:

Circles. Cati draws circles now. Or in her beautiful imaginary world, she draws flowers.

Four-Month Appointment. Elina had her four-month appointment this past week and she's growing beautifully. Leading up to her appointment I was saying that she was going to measure smaller than Cati at four months. Compared to Cati's pictures, Elina doesn't look as chunky and she doesn't feel as big. I was right and Elina measured 1.5-inches and 1.5lbs smaller than Cati. Elina is healthy and developing right on target and it's things like this that serve to remind me that Elina is very different from Cati.

Fingers & Hand. My doctor asked me if I had any concerns about Elina and I mentioned how it's so hard not to compare siblings (I went into the appointment knowing Cati's measurements). He told me the best analogy and it's one I have been telling everyone who will listen all week. Children are like the fingers on your hand: they all come from the same hand, but each finger is completely different. Never heard truer words...

Brush Brush Comb Comb. Cati let me brush her hair! Twice! This is huge for me because the child doesn't let me come near her hair with the comb. I would always be jealous of the people at her school because she would let them brush and style her hair. Bows still don't last long but at least she lets me do a proper ponytail.

Here's to another week of finding a way to survive and laugh along the way.

These Weeks in Mommyhood

The stress, drama, and exhaustion of the past few weeks finally caught up with me this weekend. Unfortunately, it caught up with me in the form of what was surely mastitis. Father's Day was spent with me pumping as often as I could. Thankfully, things are better but it's a reminder that I need to do a better job at taking care of myself. The girls are both growing and developing spectacularly and I won't be able to enjoy it if I'm not feeling well. I won't be able to spend as much time taking care of myself as I do taking care of them, but at the very least I need to try to rest more. I think I might just make that my daily goal and challenge. We'll see how it goes!

Here are Cati's developments from the past two weeks:

Peak Into My Brain. My favorite development is definitely language because I get to see how Cati processes and understands the world. I am also constantly impressed by the things that come out of her mouth. She likes to ask, "Mommy in Spanish?" when she wants to know what things are called in Spanish; thanks to that she knows her colors and numbers in both languages. Or one day, after me saying Elina needed to eat, Cati said, "Elina no tiene hambre. Porque? No esta llorando" ("Elina's not hungry. Why? Because she isn't crying"). Or another day when she was trying to show Elina something and she said, "Enseña la. Elina no sabe" ("Show her. Elina doesn't know"). She's just such a little sponge right now and making connections left and right. It's pretty amazing!


Imagination Expansion. Cati now pretends to be playing with things. She will pretend to change the diapers and, all weekend long, her and Alex would pretend to play with cats and bikes. Cati would come up to me to hand me a cat and then she would come back to take the cat back.


My Name is Pepito. File this under funny. Apparently, Cati's bunny's name is "Pepito." I have no clue where that name came from but I think it's great she is starting to give her toys real names.

Winnie the Pooh Obsessed. Cati had never seen Winnie the Pooh on TV but she did have Winnie the Pooh and Piglet stuffed animals. She recently discovered them and has since become obsessed with all things Winnie the Pooh. After the dogs ate Piglet, I took Cati to the Disney Store and she came home with a new Piglet, Roo, Eeyore, and Tigger. Now Cati spends the days at home with a Little Mermaid bag at her side filled with all her stuffed animals.

Here are Elina's developments from the past to weeks:

Wakeful Period? Elina had a few days of waking up at night. The first day she woke up and ate an entire bottle. The following few nights she didn't and eventually she stopped waking up at night. Even though it was only a few nights, I was amazed at the body's ability to get used to sleeping straight through the night. I felt like a zombie during the day after those night wakings. She's lucky she's so cute...

Oh the Horror. Elina's cries have changed. They have been changing over the past few weeks but the most significant change is the screaming. Whereas before it was a high-pitched shriek, now she sounds like someone screaming out of a scary movie.

Grab, Hold, Mouth. Elina has been working on her hand-eye coordination. First, it started with her grabbing on to my hand when I was feeding her. Then, it progressed to her holding on to the bottle. Now she's taken to pulling the bottle in and out of her mouth. She also reaches out for things now and brings them to her mouth.  is  things and bringing to mouth

Raspberries. Over the past week Elina has started blowing spit bubbles and raspberries. As if she didn't have enough drool coming out of that beautiful mouth of hers!

Sleeping Unswaddled. Elina is sleeping without the swaddle. It started when Elina fell asleep in my mother-in-law's arms and I decided to see if we could lay her down in the crib and have her stay asleep. She did and ever since she has been sleeping without the swaddle. This reminds me that changes are easier for the kids to accept when they are ready for them.

I think that just about sums up all the fun that's been had over the past two weeks. As always, I'm sure I've forgotten things. Here's to another week of surviving and living in the moment.

Thoughts on Motherhood

Here I am, almost four months in, and being a mother of two is simultaneously kicking my butt and making me swell with joy. Each day is full of little battles and pull-out-your-hair moments, but each day is also filled with laughter, kisses, and smiles. Having two kids has been one heck of a ride. I had no clue what to expect and it's all been so thrilling. I am exhausted all of the time, but I feel so accomplished. There is something so gratifying with simply surviving the day and ending the day on a high note of goodnight kisses and sleepy snuggles.

My perspective and attitude has changed a lot over the past four months and I have found myself being a more relaxed and chilled out mother. I'm still a stickler for schedules (mostly for Elina) but I hold onto to that little bit of order like a lifeline because my days are made up of a series of chaotic moments. It was quite a mental leap to go from where I was at one month to where I am now at four months and here's what I have learned along the way:

Look for the Positive. On one especially bad day in mommyhood I sent my friend an email listing out all the bad things that happened to upset me. The list included things like napless children, Cati having three ground-hitting tantrums in 20 minutes, me losing my temper with both children, and the dogs pooping inside. I saw the list and, not wanting to bring my friend down, I also listed the things that happened during the day that made me happy. That list was shorter but the things I listed where things that I was amazed I even did considering the day I had with both girls. Seeing both lists helped me escape the negative fog I had enshrouded myself in and I realized that I need to do a better job at looking for those things that made me happy. It's so easy to pinpoint the negative but pointing out the positive is so much more rewarding. And even when I have bad days, I remind myself of this most beautiful and unshakeable positive: the day will end and the girls will go to sleep.

Lower Your Standards and Give Yourself Credit. One of the biggest adjustments you have to make when you have kids is adjusting to not being able to do as much as you did when you were child-free. I made the adjustment with Cati but then that became my new normal so when Elina was born I still expected to be able to do the things I did when it was just Cati and me. I would get frustrated and had children that cried more than they do now because I still tried to operate as if I only had one child to look after. I had to lower my standards and give myself more credit for what I was actually doing. How could I honestly expect to do laundry, have a clean house, and make dinner while I was caring full-time for two kids? Why couldn't I realize that cooking dinner and making a dessert were actually huge accomplishments?

Simply Be. This ties in to the above. In trying to do everything I was sacrificing time with my children. Cati was throwing tantrums like crazy because on top of having to split my attention with Elina, she also had to split it with household chores. Neither of them were really getting quality time with me because I felt like I had to do it all. Then I realized they really don't care if I can't do it. They don't care about laundry, clean floors, or a home-cooked meal. Heck, they don't even notice those things. I'm the only one that cares about those things! All either of them wanted was my attention; Elina wanted me to really hold her (as opposed to holding her in the sling) and Cati wanted me to play and converse with her. The house won't fall apart if things don't get done but my girls will fall apart if I'm not meeting their emotional needs. They need undistracted me, plain and simple.

Interruptions. Proof that there is always something to learn, a light flickered off in my brain when I read Shawni Pothier's post on Rockstar Diaries this past week. So much about life is the meaning you attribute to things: change the meaning and you can change the way you feel and react to certain things. Cati constantly interrupts me and sometimes it doesn't bother me but sometimes it bothers me a lot and I can feel myself starting to lose my cool. Then I read this quote and now I don't want her to ever stop interrupting me:

When you are exasperated by interruptions, try to remember that their very frequency may indicate the value of your life. Only people who are full of help and strength are burdened by other persons' needs. The interruptions which we chafe at are the credentials of our indispensability. The greatest condemnation that anybody could incur -and it is a danger to guard against - is to be so independent, sounhelpful, that nobody ever interrupts us, and we are left comfortably alone -Anonymous from The Anglican Digest

Feeling Human. If you've been around me the past few weeks you'll be familiar with me saying I want to feel human again. By that I mean, I want to feel like I am doing something for me, something that is outside that daily routine of caring for the girls that oftentimes leaves me feeling like I'm on autopilot. I want to feel the spasm of new thoughts, the unpredictability of free will, the ability to control something. I cherish the moments I get to myself and they are like little nuggets of energy that help me get through the day.

Embrace Your Unique Child. Oh Elina. I am so sorry. The only thing I regret with Elina is not accepting her as a unique individual sooner. I kept waiting for her to morph into the type of baby that scared and scarred me with Cati. Any little thing that reminded me of Cati would send my mind into a tailspin. Once I started focusing more on how she was different from Cati, I started enjoying her more and that led to me enjoying being a mother of two more. I still make comparisons but they are limited to the physical: when did each start rolling, smiling, etc. Elina is her own special person who is not following Cati's path; she is making her own path and teaching me the importance of flexibility.

Motherhood is a journey. Motherhood is insanity peppered with moments of sanity. Motherhood is bliss, love, anger, forgiveness, and pain all rolled into one. Motherhood is that thing you will never figure out but it's so much fun that you don't even want it all figured out. I love being a mother and I love my girls. I love that they introduced me to this new side of me and I love that we get to go on this journey of discovery together.

A Year Ago Today...

...I found out I was pregnant. It took another week for Alex to find out, which was so hard because that week was filled with lots of "I hope you're pregnant" and "maybe you're pregnant" comments. I was so happy, excited, and scared when I found out. In the days after I found out, all I could think was "Holy sh*t, we are really doing this again!" I had been pregnant once before so I knew what to expect and I knew that in the big picture of things, pregnancy was the easy part. What had me scared throughout the pregnancy was the unknown of having two kids: how would Cati react? would I have enough love for two kids? will I be able to handle having two kids? I was also scared about my mental state if I were to get another newborn like Cati. Thankfully, things turned out a million times better than I could have ever imagined. I got my VBAC birth and, while nursing didn't work, I am incredibly at peace and happy with pumping. Cati is an amazing and loving big sister and the affection simply oozes out of her. Two kids has been hard and I've had to learn how to let go, but it has been so rewarding and so worth it. The good days far outnumber the bad and I find myself falling more and more in love with my girls. Elina fits in perfectly with out family and she is the ying to Cati's yang. Where Cati is intense, Elina is mellow. All pregnancy long and even now at times, I pictured Elina fitting into the mold Cati created in my mind, but Elina has, in these short 3.5 months, proved to me that she is her own little wonderful person and I couldn't be more thankful for that positive pregnancy test we were blessed with a year ago.

Pregnancy test that changed our lives. 

Elina and me on June 8, 2012.

I am always saying Elina has been my dream baby because she's been easier. The reality is that for as much as she is easier than Cati, I am a different mother now than I was two years ago. She's easier because I am more confident in my parenting skills and in myself as a mother. Elina benefits from all the resolved insecurities and acknowledged mistakes and gets a better mother. I am constantly growing and changing as a mother to be the best mother for my girls and I hope I'm doing the best I can to show them they are loved, adored, and appreciated.

Cati's A Year Ago Today post.