Review and Giveaway: MASH Up Conditioning

Stacy Redwine and Jamie Zacharias are the ladies behind MASH Up Conditioning, a workout that is 15-minutes long and broken up into a five-minute mind/body set, a five-minute agility and strength set, and a five-minute high intensity interval set. The DVD that I tried was their Tempo DVD and this DVD has seven different 15-minute workouts and comes with an eating guide and  workout calendar for different fitness goals (starter conditioning, fit conditioning, athletic conditioning, and performance conditioning).

Being a mom of two, student, intern, and manager of my household, what I really liked about MASH Up Conditioning was that each routine was 15-minutes long. I love T25 because the workouts are 25-minutes long, but even so, on some days a 25-minute workout is not possible (the biggest culprit is having no motivation). With these 15-minute workouts, I feel I don't have an excuse to not be active. Also, because the workouts are broken into five-minute segments the workouts feel short. Basically, MASH Up Conditioning makes working out accessible to all kinds of schedules.

Another thing that I like is that MASH Up Conditioning includes an awesome strength set. Weight training is something that I want to include more in my workout regiment, but I have always had trouble with figuring out how to include it because I don't know how to work out using weights. These sets make me feel like I will actually be able to have the strong, sculpted arms I have always wanted.    

Lastly, I really liked that the workouts cover all fitness levels and, for each move, you are given multiple options and modifications. Not only do you have three levels (regular, intermediate, and advanced), but you are also given the modifications if you are pregnant. This, in my opinion, really sets MASH UP Conditioning apart from other workout routines because you are given the whole spectrum of movement instead of having to buy specific pregnancy workouts. I remember being pregnant and feeling at a loss over how to workout and not wanting to spend money on pregnancy-geared workouts that wouldn't follow me post-partum or as I got stronger.  

The first time I tried the Tempo DVD my plan was to only do one 15-minute workout. I liked the workout so much that I ended up doing two more workouts and now I find myself feeling more motivated to fit in 15-minute workouts throughout the day. 

I'm spreading the workout cheer by hosting a giveaway for a MASH Up Conditioning DVD. The giveaway is open through March 12th and is open to US residents. To enter you must leave a comment telling me what your fitness goal is for 2014, like MASH Up Conditioning on Facebook, and follow their Twitter page. Winner will be selected using Rafflecopter and will be notified by March 13, 2014. To enter:


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Follow me on Facebook and Instagram @thecookierunner.

A Year Ago Today...

...I found out I was pregnant. It took another week for Alex to find out, which was so hard because that week was filled with lots of "I hope you're pregnant" and "maybe you're pregnant" comments. I was so happy, excited, and scared when I found out. In the days after I found out, all I could think was "Holy sh*t, we are really doing this again!" I had been pregnant once before so I knew what to expect and I knew that in the big picture of things, pregnancy was the easy part. What had me scared throughout the pregnancy was the unknown of having two kids: how would Cati react? would I have enough love for two kids? will I be able to handle having two kids? I was also scared about my mental state if I were to get another newborn like Cati. Thankfully, things turned out a million times better than I could have ever imagined. I got my VBAC birth and, while nursing didn't work, I am incredibly at peace and happy with pumping. Cati is an amazing and loving big sister and the affection simply oozes out of her. Two kids has been hard and I've had to learn how to let go, but it has been so rewarding and so worth it. The good days far outnumber the bad and I find myself falling more and more in love with my girls. Elina fits in perfectly with out family and she is the ying to Cati's yang. Where Cati is intense, Elina is mellow. All pregnancy long and even now at times, I pictured Elina fitting into the mold Cati created in my mind, but Elina has, in these short 3.5 months, proved to me that she is her own little wonderful person and I couldn't be more thankful for that positive pregnancy test we were blessed with a year ago.

Pregnancy test that changed our lives. 

Elina and me on June 8, 2012.

I am always saying Elina has been my dream baby because she's been easier. The reality is that for as much as she is easier than Cati, I am a different mother now than I was two years ago. She's easier because I am more confident in my parenting skills and in myself as a mother. Elina benefits from all the resolved insecurities and acknowledged mistakes and gets a better mother. I am constantly growing and changing as a mother to be the best mother for my girls and I hope I'm doing the best I can to show them they are loved, adored, and appreciated.

Cati's A Year Ago Today post.

A Few Maternity Pictures

So the baby is here and I never got around to sharing my maternity pictures with you. I did them around 37 weeks pregnant and I love the way they came out. A huge thank you to Melissa of Simply Captivating for capturing this special time in our lives.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can't wait to meet you Baby D!

Many Weeks in Mommyhood

There is a whole lot of nesting going on around our house. Whether it's prepping for Baby D or just tired of living in the same mess day in and day out, we are finally doing something to make the house more comfortable and usable. I was going through a little phase of not liking our house and living arrangements because of all the stuff. Sentimentality of holding on to certain things has gone out the door as I endeavor to declutter our house. In the past two weeks I have gone through almost everything we own and set aside things for donation, I have made space for Baby D in our shared closet in Cati's room, Alex moved a bookcase in Cati's room to make space for Baby D's crib, and Alex, my glorious husband, has listened and acted on my every desire, especially the most painful one: clearing out the backyard. I don't think you can understand how much work this entails because my house is literally located in the middle of a jungle with all the overgrown and unmaintained plants. Clearing out the backyard has opened up at least SEVEN feet of space and now there is more sunlight and future space for Cati to have an outdoor play area and for Alex to have his dream of a fire pit. I freaking love it. Here are before and after pictures:

Before

After

It doesn't look like much now but I'm really excited about the projects we have planned for our yard and I'm looking forward to finally being able to use our backyard for something more than just Perla's bathroom.

Other than making space for Baby D and changes around the house, here are Cati's fun developments over the last few weeks:

Cheeseburger! It's always the random things that stick and one day I said "cheeseburger!" to try to get Cati to look at the camera and smile. Now she not only thinks that the camera is called "cheeseburger" but she also thinks the process of taking a picture is called "cheeseburger."

Empathy. It's so amazing how social we humans are. Cati is becoming increasingly empathic and aware of the emotions of others. If I hurt myself, she gets really concerned and even starts to cry if I'm not quick enough in telling her I'm fine.

Mira! This one just cracks me up. Everything is "mira!" ("look!") and Cati is constantly trying to show us things.

Skipping. I lie. This one cracks me up the most. Out of nowhere, Cati started skipping and now she does it all the time. She likes for us to skip with her so she'll usually start and then say "mommy bouncy" or "daddy bouncy" so we can skip with her.

Imagination. Cati seriously leaves me in awe with her imagination. It's so pure and knows no bounds. My favorite use of imagination is when she grabs a crayon, puts it in one of her stuffed animal's hands, and pretends like the stuffed animal is coloring. She'll even tell the animal what to draw.

Nightingale. Cati LOVES to sing. She will sing at random and she makes up songs. She's made up songs for Perla, her grandmother, and us. It's so cute to hear her bust out in song.

Here are the fun developments with Baby D:

Space Maker. Like I said earlier, space is being made for Baby D. It makes it more real that she's going to be here soon now that space is being made for her. I still can't believe she's going to be born this year.

VBAC is a Go. I've been given the all clear to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section). The only thing my doctor told me is that I absolutely must go into labor on my own so I'm hoping Baby D cooperates.  I really wish I could be ok with the thought of a planned, repeat c-section but I'm not and I really, really wish people would stop assuming I'm having a planned c-section. We've hired the best doula around to help with labor and delivery so the I feel I've done everything I can to prepare for a vaginal birth. We'll see how things go once I start laboring and once I get admitted to the hospital.


Big or Small. I have been getting a lot of comments lately about how pregnant I look. I've been told my face is starting to swell, that I look huge, that I look small, that I look like I'm going to give birth to a small baby. I don't know how I think I look other than round. I don't feel like I look huge but I don't feel like I look small either. All I know is that my belly finally reaches out farther than my boobs and that's saying something. Here's a recent picture of the belly:

Note: I actually sent this picture to Alex with the subject line of "is this really big to you?" I should have known better. To Alex, and most men it seems, a big pregnant wife is a source of pride.

We're four days in January and all I can think about is, "holy cow, I'm going to be a mom of two this year!!"

This Week in Mommyhood

I am done with school! Woo hoo! It feels so good to be done. This semester was so much fun and I learned a lot but I am definitely glad for the break. I'm so proud of myself for being able to tackle school and even more proud to know that mommyhood hasn't completely killed off all my intellectual brain cells. Now I get a full month of enjoying Cati once again instead of feeling like I am dumping her on school so I can get school work done or study for a test and I get a full month of being able to relax enough to enjoy the pregnancy.

Here are Cati's developments over the last two weeks:

Language Plus. It's so hard for me to keep track of everything Cati says. She is definitely in that repeat-everything stage but what really impresses me is how much she actually retains. I love that she knows what animals are and that she says "beep beep" or "excuse me" when something's in her way. I love how she tells me when something is stuck and I especially love to hear her make up songs. Most favorite though has to be the fact that I can have full blown conversations with her. This is definitely the best stage.


Holiday Spirit. This goes along with her language and emphasizes how quickly she learns things. Cati has Santa, nutcracker, snowman, candy cane, and jingle bells as part of her vocabulary.

School No. I don't consider this a setback but it kind of breaks my heart a little when Cati says "School no" in the mornings. Before I would ask her about school and she would immediately run to the door, but now she actually says no to school and refuses to get up from her chair in the mornings. Once at school she's fine and she doesn't cry, but it's getting her to school that's turned into a bit of a struggle.


Bye Bye Bottle. Cati was still getting a bottle of milk before bedtime. That was the only bottle she was getting the entire day and I had been wanting to stop, but with school and me being away two nights a week I felt like there was too much inconsistency to make a change that big. My last class was Thursday and Friday was the first night of a new bedtime routine of us reading a book while she drank milk from a sippy cup, then brushing of teeth, and me rocking her for a few minutes before putting her in bed. The transition has been pretty smooth although she does ask for "leche" once I start rocking her. She does toss and turn and even cries a little but she puts herself to sleep and manages to sleep through the night. I'm still trying to tweak the bedtime routine to minimize tears but Cati already knows she's drinking out of a sippy cup and she'll walk to the bookshelf to pick out a few books for us to read.

Here are Baby D's development's over the last two weeks:

Comfort Zone. Over the last two weeks I have really grown into the pregnancy. My back isn't hurting as much and I'm not feeling as uncomfortable as before. This seems completely ironic to me seeing as I am currently in the third trimester and nearing the end of the pregnancy. I feel like my body has approached this pregnancy backwards and I'm kind of hoping that's the case because it would be nice to finish things off comfortably.


Looking Like a Boy. We still don't know the sex and I am hoping the baby is kind and gives us a great shot at the next ultrasound. What's been interesting though is the amount of people who think it's a boy. Apparently I look like I'm carrying a boy (whatever that means). Now I am dying to know the sex! I still think I look the same as when I was pregnant with Cati but who knows?

Like I said earlier, I am looking forward to this break from school. I missed Cati so much and I missed having patience for Alex. I'm hoping that not having to worry about school will help me relax and enjoy life a little more. 

This Week in Mommyhood

I have not been good with these weekly mommyhood posts. I am hoping once school ends in two (!!!) weeks I'll be able to get back to all those things I have been neglecting. So much has happened in the last couple of weeks too. Cati is just an explosion of development and every day is more and more fun than the last. She is such a sponge right now and I just love being able to have conversations with her. Worst of all is the nagging guilt of not wanting to start all over again with Baby D. This is more a reflection of me than it is of the baby because I am seriously dreading the newborn stage and the potential of feeling the same way I did when Cati was a newborn. I feel like I have reached my groove as a mother and I am enjoying this parenting thing so much that I am afraid of how much things will change with a newborn. Suffice it to say that bittersweet has come to mean something new and different as a mother to a toddler expecting another baby.

Anyway, here are Cati's developments over the last two weeks:

Home. Nothing makes you feel like you really have made a home until your toddler knows your house as home and calls it such.

Hide-and-Seek Game. One day we were driving home and I gave Cati my gym ID to play with. All of a sudden and on her own initiative, she hid the ID under her thigh, said "donde esta?" (where is it?), and then grabbed the ID and said "ai esta!" (there it is). Now she loves hiding things and reproducing them. It's the funnest game to play.

Baby animals. Cati has always loved animals but now she is able to grasp the differences between adult animals and baby animals. If you ask her what a baby wau wau is she will respond with puppy and if you ask her what a baby gato is she will respond with kitten.

Numbers, Letters, and Colors, Oh My! Cati is becoming increasingly interested in numbers, colors, and letters. She understands the number two and what it means for there to be two things. She knows the colors black, white, purple, yellow, and orange but gets confused with green, red, and blue. O seems to be her favorite letter and is starting to understand the letters in Cati.

Viene and Trabajando. Cati loves to ask about different people in the family and likes to know if they are either coming or working.

Babe! This is just plain cute: whenever I'm on the phone with Alex, Cati yells out babe. She calls him daddy and papi but when it's me communicating with him, she knows he's called babe.

Order and Organization. It's amazing how much Cati pays attention to the things around her. She knows the place of things and likes things to be in there place. For example, I was doing laundry this past week and was sorting the clothes in the hallway. Cati saw the clothes out of the hamper, said "sucio," and then grabbed the clothes and put them back in the hamper.

Transportation. Cati is obsessed with buses and planes (avion). She points them out whenever we see them.

Holiday Spirit. I'm trying to get Cati to recognize the holiday things and so far she's got Santa and Snowman down. Can't wait for Christmas this year!

Healthy Mama. I will never worry about being dehydrated because Cati is very aware of my drinking habits. She will literally grab my water bottle, hand it to me, and say "Mama se" (mama thirsty) until I drink water.

Here are Baby D's developments over the past two weeks:

Unknown Sex. Still don't know the sex but the heart beat at my last check up was in the 150s.

Baby Bumpin'. The belly is definitely out. My belly button is out and there is no denying I'm pregnant. The good thing is that the only maternity clothes I've been wearing are tops because my jeans still fit. Woo hoo!

Rolling Round the Belly. The baby still moves a lot less than Cati but the movements have gotten more pronounced lately. It's so weird to feel another baby rolling around inside me.


Glucose Test. Ahh the dreaded glucose test. My doctor gave me the window to do the test and I figured it would be best to it before the Thanksgiving feasting. I am hoping I don't have to do the 3-hour test like I did with Cati. Too bad I went into the test having drank a glass of OJ and eaten pumpkin waffles for breakfast.

Name Game. Our boy name is picked out. That's the easy one because it's Alex's grandfather's name. I thought we had the girl name picked out until I found out Alex couldn't remember the spelling of the name and the pronunciation changes based on the spelling (huge hint here for those playing the name game). Spelling is huge for me, thus why Cati is Catarina and not Katarina (or Caterina or Katerina) so I was just a teensy bit upset Alex didn't remember after all the thought I put into the name. To be fair, he likes whatever name I like but it still bothered me to think that maybe the reason he forgot the spelling was because he didn't really like the name to begin with. As it stands, either I'm the only one that knows what we are naming this child if it's a girl or the baby is just going to be called Baby D.

And just for fun here are recent belly comparison pictures. I think, if anything, the belly is a little smaller this time around.

Baby D

Cati

I've done a better job of keeping track of things so I'm hoping I'm able to continue doing so over the next few weeks as things speed up and wind down.

This Week in Mommyhood

As if having a toddler wasn't a reminder of the importance of living in the presence, this week Alex's great uncle passed away. He woke up one morning, seemingly fine, and then had a massive heart attack. It was a shock to everyone and completely unexpected. Losing someone always hurts but this loss has left all of us feeling like we need to work harder at truly appreciating the blessing that is each day because we never know which day will be our last. So I've been trying to be more patient and reflective the past few days. I've been trying to savor and enjoy the moment and spend less time being mad or upset. It's so easy to get worked up or bothered, especially when you have a child and are trying to learn to be a disciplinarian yourself. The frustrations aren't worth it and the focus should be on all the positives, joys, smiles, kisses, and rewards of parenthood. 

Here are some fun Cati developments from the past couple of weeks:

Love You. The sweetest words I could hear are "love you mama." They are even sweeter when unprompted.

Messes and Clean Up. Cati is into everything and she loves making messes. From playing cards to candies to anything that was packaged compactly, Cati loves to undo things and spread them all over the house. My saving grace is that she is good at cleaning up and will sing "clean up clean up" as she cleans. I'm not the neatest person but having a toddler has brought new meaning to messy.

Teeth Galore. Cati has gone on a teething spree. She's gotten six teeth in the last two months and her mouth is full of lots of cute teeth. I can't believe I'll never see her gummy smile again.

Chatterbox. The words coming out of Cati's mouth are amazing. She literally repeats everything and I can have full conversations with her. She's learning everyone's names but the real treat is hearing her sing "happy birthday" which comes out more like "appy day to you." This gets me excited for her birthday!

Here are some Baby D updates:

Still don't know the sex and that's ok because at the very least we have agreed on names. I was really struggling with a girl name until I remembered another name I loved. I'm not revealing the name but I will tell you it isn't a common name.

Other than that, I feel huge and uncomfortable. My body aches and I am constantly wondering how I will make it to the end. I'm measuring right on time so my belly is normal but I just feel huge and tight. I can't sleep at night and I have a slight waddle going on. I'm hoping a new work out routine of cardio and pilates will help alleviate some of this discomfort.

Here's to another few weeks of surviving and relishing the experience of being a pregnant mother to a wonderful little girl.

This Week in Mommyhood

The biggest thing going on around here is the fact that Cati's sick yet again. Poor baby. While I love the extra snuggles and cuddles I get, I hate that I'm getting them because she's sick and needs my comforting. I took Cati to the doctor but he only confirmed what I knew: she's going to be getting sick a lot this year because of school. One good thing out of her doctor's visit is that I got an update on her growth. She's grown in both height and weight but what really impressed me was the fact that she grew an inch since her 18-month visit and she's now a solid 2 ft 9 in. Just thinking about Cati in feet instead of inches is so cute to me.

I haven't been able to keep up with her word acquisition because the girl is literally repeating everything she hears. I am stunned with how much she knows and how well she has gotten at expressing herself. Even with all the new words, there are still some things I don't understand and I feel so bad when she gets frustrated because I don't understand her. Either way, I love this stage in her development because we get to have little conversations and she's not shy in demanding me to do certain things (my favorite is "mama sit" or "sientate").

As for Baby D, I have finally reached that point in the pregnancy where I look pregnant to strangers or people who I haven't told I'm pregnant. My favorite was when one of the girls in my class asked me if I was pregnant the week before. I've said it once and I've said it before, but it amazes how un-pregnant I feel. I know I am pregnant and I am doing things to stay healthy but it's like an afterthought. I'm so focused on (or distracted by) school, Cati, and my home life that I don't have much time to reflect on the pregnancy. One day this week Alex asked me if I talk to this baby like I talked to Cati and I felt guilty saying no and explaining that I didn't talk to this baby because I spend most of my talking-time talking to Cati. I simply find it impossible to do the same things now that I did when I was pregnant with Cati. I pray Baby D can forgive me for this slight mommy indiscretion.

At least the amazing thing now is that Cati is aware of my pregnancy. If you ask her where the baby is she will point to my belly and if you ask her what's in my belly she will say "nene." Hopefully this means she'll like having another baby around. 

Life is full of adjustments and I'm hoping we can all adjust to a new family member with as much smoothness and ease as possible.

Boston Trip

Our trip to Boston was almost a month ago and I have been meaning to write about since we got back. I honestly didn't think I would miss Boston after we left, but going back made me realize how much I DO miss it and how great of a city Boston really is. If it weren't for the eternal winters and the price of living up there, I don't think I'd mind living there again. I also don't think I could do without in-house laundry facilities and readily available parking spaces, but that's just me being particular.

Anyway, going back for two days was such an odd experience. It felt so weird to be walking around and going to all the places we used to go to as tourists instead of residents. We walked by our old apartment building and were both tempted to try to get into the building to knock on the door of our old apartment. It's so hard to believe we lived in 250 sq ft for four years! Now that we have a house, I can barely remember how we managed it.

The city has changed so much. My brain could not wrap itself around the changes that have occurred over the last two years. I know things changed while we were there but it all seemed so gradual. When we went back, our favorite restaurants had moved around and, even more shockingly, the street that we walked nearly every day of our Boston lives was redone, remodeled, and full of lively and approachable new businesses. We used to always say that particular area needed some updating so it was a shock to see how much was updated in two years when not much was done in the four years we had lived there.

Also, amazingly different to me was how child-friendly the city has become. The city has definitely shifted gears toward catering to families with small children. I kept telling Alex that I didn't know if it was me going back to Boston as a mother, but I noticed more families and more children. So this is part of the reason I could imagine us living there again because I could picture us living there with our kids.

Not only were we worried about leaving Cati for a weekend, but we were worried about making the right dining choices. We flew in Saturday morning for a wedding Saturday night and then we flew out Sunday afternoon so we only had two meals to figure out. I know it seems silly to worry about two meals, but with so many favorite places to revisit it was hard for us to narrow it down to places that would truly capture why we loved Boston's dining scene so much. In the end we kept it simple and went with two of our go to places.

For lunch Saturday we went to the first place we fell in love with. The place that made us believe in the greatness of burgers: Abe & Louie's. Alex and I only went there for burgers on special occasions because they were  pricey, but those burgers are, in my opinion, the best burgers in the city. Because this was a special trip, there was no doubt we should go back to our dining roots and back to the place that held a special place in our hearts. I can still remember the first time we went to Abe & Louie's and how we walked through the aftermath of the season's first winter storm to eat there. Memories.

On Sunday we headed into the North End, bought cannolis from Modern Bakery (I prefer them over Mike's), and then ate prosciutto and mozzarella paninis at Express. The North End is a part of the city that has barely seen any change. Hanover looks almost exactly the same as two years ago and it made me wish we had more time to eat!

One thing that put me to shame was how much my legs hurt on Sunday. We spent a good chunk of Saturday walking across the entire city. This is a walk that we did every weekend. I dressed comfortably and wore sneakers (the same I wore two years ago!) and while I didn't feel tired during our walk, my legs hurt like a mother the next day. I'd like to think it's because of the added pregnancy weight, but I know better.

And now the reason we were in Boston in the first place: Edgar and Sarah's wedding. Edgar was my boss for three years while I worked in property management. He was my closest friend in Boston and is still a close friend today. He started dating Sarah our last year in Boston and we got to meet here before moving down and I was beyond thrilled when he told me he was engaged. Edgar is such a good guy and I'm so glad he found The One.

So that's our trip in long, drawn out nutshell. It's fun to think that Cati was conceived while we lived in Boston and we returned to Boston pregnant with Baby D.

This Week in Mommyhood

I survived this week! I feel good about my paper and my test and, more so, I feel good about being able to accomplish everything while caring for Cati. Alex was on vacation but he had a presentation to do for work so he might as well have worked for how un-vacation-like this week was for him. I hate that this vacation was so busy and stressful because we didn't really get to do anything fun as family. Cati still went to school because of all the work we had to do, so I feel bad that we didn't do anything new and exciting. She did, however, get a daddy-daughter day on Friday so that was new and exciting for her (and Alex!).

Here are some fun Cati developments from the last few weeks:

Language Explosion. Cati is in the repeat everything stage of her language development. It's so amazing to see how much her vocabulary has grown in the last few weeks. It's not just the new words, but also her putting little phrases together. I love that she is learning more and more words, but at the same time I get sad because she is learning how to properly say certain words, cat for her used to me "meow meow" and now it's actually "gato."

Pumpkin Patch Field Trip. Last year we went to The Little Farm pumpkin patch but Alex couldn't go because he was on call. This year, I order Cati's costume early and it got here on time for us to make a trip out to the pumpkin patch. It was so cute to see Cati actually know what animal was what. We tried to get her to ride on a pony but she was having none of it. We also tried to get her to take pictures in the pumpkin patch but the straw freaked her out and, again, she was having none of it.

Speaking of Costume. I felt pretty uninspired with the costume choice this year. Last year Cati had two costumes, poodle and cupcake. This year, nothing stood out or really excited me. I ended up buying her a Pebbles costume because it was cute and she does look pretty adorable in it. The only problem is that she would rather see the bone hair clip in my hair than hers.

Here are some fun Baby D developments:

Karate Kid. If it weren't for the back pain and the rounding of the belly I wouldn't think I was pregnant. That is, up until the past week or so. I didn't feel the flutters or bubble gum popping this time around and at this point with Cati I was feeling her move a lot. This baby seems to be calmer and is definitely not afraid of taking jabs at me.

A Proper Child. I have had two anatomy ultrasounds and this kid is refusing to let us know the sex. The technicians have told us what they think it is, but until I get a clear shot and a 100% confirmation of the sex we're staying mum on the sex. Our immediate family knows what the sex may be and that's it. Surprisingly enough, I haven't been as stressed out or as anxious as I thought I would be. I figure we'll have or get everything we need in time. With that said, I still hope the baby is more showy when I go back for another ultrasound in a few weeks.

A Healthy Child. Other than not showing the goods, the baby is healthy and looking good. There is something going on with me which I'm trying not to get too bummed about or stressed out over until it's confirmed. Having a baby is a blessing and having a healthy baby is a double blessing so I'm trying to focus on that right now.

Baby Weight. I don't know how because I certainly don't look it but I gained 10lbs between appointments. No wonder my back has been hurting so much! I'd like to think that it's because I'm making up for all the weight I lost in the beginning and that most of the weight is in the ever growing boobs, but I know better. It's all that pizza! The doctor reassured me that it was ok so now I'm trying to be more mindful of what and how much I eat. I don't remember how much I had gained with Cati at this point but here are some belly pictures of me at a similar time in both pregnancies:

Baby D

Cati

Definitely more of a belly this time around. Or at least more of a rounder belly.

Here's to surviving the past few weeks and to surviving the upcoming weeks. It's still shocking to think that I will be a mom of two next year!

Confessions of a Pregnant Mother

Being pregnant again has made for an interesting experience. There has been so much to process and think about this time around. On top of having the same concerns I had with Cati (what if something is wrong? how will be adapt to life with a baby? etc), I have the new concerns of how will Cati react to having a new person around who will take attention away from her. The mommy guilt has been so bad and I feel selfish for wanting and having another child.

The other big thing I've struggled with is a huge disconnect with this pregnancy. It took me up until a few days ago to really feel connected to this baby and this pregnancy. With Cati I was excited and connected from the beginning. This time around, again, because I am so worried about Cati's reaction and adjustment to a new baby, I have felt distant and less emotionally connected. It's so weird to feel so emotionally detached from something that I can recognize on a rational level as an amazing and incredible blessing. It has been a relief to find out that I am not alone in these feelings, so thank you to those moms with multiple kids or those on their second pregnancies for sharing your experiences with me. It's hard to feel like a bad mom when others know exactly how you feel and give you the words to express how you feel.

And, just for fun, here are some other random thoughts and confessions I scribbled down during the first trimester:

•  The thing I am most afraid of is the task of juggling it all. I sometimes have trouble juggling my life as it is with one child. How am I going to do that with two children?
• I lie. The thing I am most afraid of is being in the same emotional state this time around that I was in after Cati was born. This is the main reason that I don't want anymore kids after this pregnancy: I'm afraid of myself and my emotions and I honestly think I can only handle feeling like that one more time. 
• Cravings have been weird this time around. Not only I am a pizza and Dunkin Donuts everything bagel fiend, I've craved for things like a bed made out of pillows that smells like cotton candy.
• A beautiful perk of being pregnant: Alex picking up the slack and doing more with Cati. It took me getting pregnant for it to feel like we were more or less equals in the evening parenting routine. Now on the nights when I'm not at school or Alex isn't on call, we switch off giving baths and putting Cati to sleep. It's glorious.
• The not-happy-about-it-but-oh-so-welcomed morning sickness was a reminder that things were sticking the first time around. This time, morning sickness is truly a nuisance because I just can't keep up with Cati. I hate feeling too sick to play with Cati and I hate that she thinks of the toilet as a fun place to stick your head in and make "poof" noises. Proof:

• Alex still has no common sense sometimes: I don't think I will ever forget the night when I threw up my entire dinner and then Alex proceeded to initiate a conversation about food. Really?
• First time around I spent hours daydreaming about the baby, even when I was sick. This time around the only times I really think about the baby are when the morning sickness is at its worst or when I have a doctor's appointment.
• There should be a way to donate your stomach during the first trimester so you can completely forego the stomach issues.
• First time around I was so excited to be pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I AM excited to be pregnant, but Cati is my top priority and main brain buster that she takes center stage.  Even when I'm not feeling sick and Cati is down for the night, I still don't think about the baby because my brain is saying "please stop thinking so I can recharge for tomorrow!"
• Which leads to the sad truth of this pregnancy being more about Cati than the little forming baby. My thoughts run more along the lines of how will Cati react to a new baby? Will she feel unloved? Displaced? Will she resent the baby? How is she going to handle my attention being split? Will she resent me? Even thinking about what the baby will look like is more like how will the baby be different from Cati?
• My hair doesn't look or feel as glorious as it did last time. And honestly, I haven't been feeling any of the perks that come along with those lovely pregnancy hormones.
• Comparisons between siblings start early. Everything with this pregnancy is being compared with the last. Morning sickness ended around 13 weeks then, will it be the same now? Will I start showing around the same time? Feel the baby around the same time?
• My first look at the baby was not filled with my tears. Instead it was filled with Cati's as she screamed to be let out of her stroller. I was in awe but, again, my attention was so focused on keeping Cati calm that I didn't really get to enjoy the moment.
• The firsts of this pregnancy won't be as exciting as the firsts of the last. Yes, it will be exciting because these are the firsts of a new baby, but (1) these are not new, un-experienced firsts and (2) it goes back to the whole comparison thing.
• I'm not as anal this time around. With Cati I forced down my vitamins the first trimester. Once the doctor said I could skip the vitamins until I felt better this time around, I did. I didn't even think twice about it.

Now that I'm in my second trimester the defining features seem to be privacy and practicalness. Privacy because I feel like this pregnancy is something only truly meaningful for Alex, Cati and me and, as a result, I haven't shared as much about the pregnancy as I did with Cati's pregnancy. Practical because my focus has been more the needs and don't needs. An example of this is the sex of the baby. I want to find out more for practical reasons (do we need new clothes? can we get away with using all the girl stuff we have? etc...) than for the fun reasons of all the cute sister-sister or sister-brother combinations. I feel like the knowledge of the sex of the baby is something that will only directly effect us, so why share it with everyone else? Apparently, the baby agrees because s/he doesn't want to show the goods!

I really can't begin to explain how different things are this time around. There is joy, excitement, worry, anxiety, anticipation, and lots of love; all the same emotions felt the first time around but felt on a different level with a different dynamic this time around. And again, for the millionth time, a lot of how I feel has to do with Cati and not wanting her to ever feel robbed, betrayed, or left wanting more love. She is the beloved first child, our first blessing, and our introduction to pure, unconditional love. Our second child will be our beloved second child, our second blessing, and our confirmation that pure, unconditional love has no limitations.