Friday, February 15, 2013

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It's an hour past Cati's birthday, February 14. My oldest "baby" has turned three and I find myself struggling with time. I want it to freeze, speed up, jump forward, jump backward. More than anything, I just want to feel like it's not slipping past me. I can still remember the day of Cati's birth and can still feel the raw pain of those first few months with her. I remember the joy I felt when she rolled for the first time, spoke for the first time, walked for the first time. I have all these fragments, these memories, that I can vividly recall and yet years have passed by and I am still left numb with the sensation that I missed something. Or worse, I did not enjoy something enough. The older my children get, the more bittersweet the milestone will be. Birthdays are those twilight days where one foot is stuck in the past and the other foot is ready to approach the future. On Cati's third birthday I looked at pictures from the past year. My, how she's changed and grown! I also, however, began to wonder about the future; what changes await us? How much will she change in the year to come? And again, time, you tricky thing. You've created a day where I struggle with staying present, with simply enjoying and celebrating not just a birthday but a birthgiving day.

Happy third birthday sweet Catarina. The past three years with you have been a beautiful journey, from newbornness to unprompted I love yous. Please forgive your mom for making a wonderful thing like your birthday this profound, philosophical event. Here's to continuing this journey together and to lots of cake along the way.

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