Two Months

My, how time flies. I can't believe Catarina is two months old. This month has been full of can't believes. I can't believe I've survived another month full of sleep deprived nights. I can't believe Catarina has survived. I can't believe my baby girl gained 3 lbs this month (I'm doing something right!). I can't believe my 2-month old is fitting comfortably in her 3-month clothes. I can't believe she's growing so much on breastmilk alone. I can't believe I have been exclusively pumping for 8 weeks (more on that some other time if you're interested). I can't believe my little girl is starting to discover her body parts and her voice. I can't believe how quickly things change and how unrealistic it is to have any kind of routine. Most importantly, I still can't believe I am a mother and that my heart hasn't exploded. I've never felt so full of love and patience in my life. The love I feel for my daughter is so profound and deep that I feel it flowing through my veins and it feeds my soul. I am happy with my little miracle and can't believe I have the honor of being this child's mother.At first I thought there was some kind of mistake; how could they let me have a baby? What makes me qualified to be a mother? But now, two months in, I see there was no mistake. I was meant to be a mother and the strength to do so was within me the whole time. I just needed Catarina to tap into it; her cries, her smiles, her tears were all calling cards to my answering sense of mothering. I can't imagine life without her and life before her seems to be a part of someone else's story. I often find myself wondering how someone so small can elicit such large emotional reactions and can change things so dramatically.I have said before that love is what keeps you going and it's never been truer. Love makes me ready to face another day, it helps me understand that not every day will be a bad one, it makes me savor the moments that pass too quickly, and it makes me excited for all the beautiful moments yet to come. Love makes me patient and forgiving. Love also makes me sad. Why does Catarina have to grow up? Why is it that one day she'll realize she isn't the baby anymore and tell me to stop treating her like one? Why is it that she has so easily stolen my heart when her heart doesn't even belong to me? How is it fair that my life has forever been changed because of her and one day she will leave me to start her own life?
The best way to describe having a child is by calling it bittersweet. It's a beautiful experience but it's also an experience intricately tied with mourning. You celebrate the moments and then mourn their passing. I was happy Catarina no longer fit into her newborn clothes but then I realized that she will never be that tiny again. She's growing and there's nothing I can do to stop that. She won't be this tiny for long. She won't need me like she does now and one day she may not even want me around. She won't always be calmed by my voice or soothed by my presence.

I know this may seem like a huge leap in thoughts but with how quickly time flies it's hard not to think of the changes the future holds. Heck, every day now is full of changes. All I can do is try. Try to enjoy the moment. Try to not wish it away. Try to hold Catarina just a little bit longer. Try to love a little bit harder.Photo by Breathtaking Memories.

Catarina is two months today and all I can do is try to not shed a tear at the thought that my baby won't be a baby forever.

TWD: Swedish Visiting Cake

I feel like giving myself a huge pat on the back! This is the first time I have participated in TWD since giving birth. Can you believe the last time I baked with TWD was two months ago when we made chocolate chip cookies?! It felt great opening up Dorie's book again and making something from it. Not just anything either, a very delicious and delightful cake chosen by Nancy of The Dogs Eat the Crumbs.
The Swedish Visiting Cake was a cinch to put together and was highly addictive. Well, at least it was for me. Alex thought the cake was "just ok" because he's not a fan of any desserts that have almond extract in them. I love almond extract in desserts so had no problem with eating the entire cake on my own. To me the cake tasted how a madeliene would taste if it was a cake: amazing!
I halved the recipe, substituted the grated lemon for 1/8 tsp of lemon extract and almonds for walnuts. I had enough batter to make two 4-inch cakelets (bake time was still about 20 minutes).Don't forget to check out Nancy's blog for the recipe and the TWD site to read about everyone's reaction to this cake.

Bows & Baby

Headband made by Tia Lauren.

I love putting things in Cati's hair. She has quite the impressive collection of nylon headbands, crocheted headbands, bows, and flowers. I am constantly on the look out for cute things; a girl can never have too many accessories! To save us a few extra bucks and to use up some of the ribbon that's laying around the house I decided to try and make some bows. I followed these instructions and had a blast making the bows. It's so easy I wonder why I hadn't tried to make bows before. Here are the ones I made:


A close up of some of the bows:


Here is Cati modeling my favorite bow:

Bow looks just as good on a calm baby...

...As it does on a crying baby!

And the winner is...

Katrina of Baking and Boys!

A huge thank you to everyone that entered the giveaway for Sara Perry's Deep Dark Chocolate.

Katrina, please email me (steppystar@aol.com) your contact info so that I can get the book out to you :)

Happy Easter!

Hopefully the Easter Bunny brings you lots of yummy things!

A Blog Celebration!

I had been wanting to do something special in honor of the blog turning two back in January but the pregnancy and the resulting baby put that plan on hold. So now, almost three months later, I am having a giveaway in honor of the blog's second birthday. I picked up Sara Perry's book Deep Dark Chocolate and fell in love with both the pictures and the recipes. The book has a recipe for almost everything you can think of putting chocolate in. Now you can own a copy of this book!
From Amazon.com:

From Publishers Weekly

Veteran cookbook author Perry (Holiday Baking, Everything Tastes Better with Bacon, The New Tea Book) returns with a winning take on everyone's favorite sweet. Chocolate lovers can start their day off with the indulgent, gooey Chocolate Sticky Buns or Chocolate Dream Scones with Mascarpone Spread before breaking out the Vin Santo and Brioche Chocolate Bread Pudding at brunch and snacking throughout the day on various cookies and bars. Desserts are where chocolate really shines, and Perry doesn't disappoint with dishes like a Chocolate Gingerbread with Cacao Nib Whipped Cream cake, "Baby Loves," a chocolate-filled macaroon, as well as Good Ol' Fudgy Brownies and the "It's My Party" Birthday Cake. Eschewing time and labor-intensive recipes, Perry offers an easy greatest-hits list, with 6 variations for hot chocolate, a fondue for every season and simple Mom's Frozen Fudge Pops for summertime. While there are already more than enough cookbooks devoted to the topic, the approachability and breadth of Perry's sweet, inventive collection make it worth the indulgence.

Product Description

Dark chocolate lovers will fall head over heels for each of the more than 60 indulgent recipes in Deep Dark Chocolate. Everyday treats include Black Magic Chocolate Espresso Cookies and Crunchy Nut Bittersweet Caramel Bars while fancy delights like Papa Haydn's Chocolate Gateau and Little Chocolate Cheesecake with Mocha Affogato offer up irresistible decadence. Whether the recipe calls for bittersweet or semisweet chocolate cocoa nibs cocoa beans or all of them together everyone at the dinner table will be saving room for dessert! With gorgeous chocolate-drenched photographs and a quick primer that reveals the essentials about this highly sought after treat (it's high in healthy antioxidants!) Deep Dark Chocolate keeps the bittersweet-tooth forever satisfied.

Here's how to enter (it's simple, I promise!):

1. You must comment on this post by answering the following question: What is your favorite type of chocolate?
2. Only one entry per person.
3. You have until 11pm on Sunday, April 4th to enter.

I'll choose the winner on Monday, April 5th using random.org and post about it then.

Good luck!

Happy Hump Day

Just a Reminder...

I do bake! I know posting has been a little light around here but life with baby is everything but routine. Just when I get comfortable with a certain routine, Catarina switches things up. She loves to be with mama and loves to be awake. I've never seen a more alert baby in my life!

Anyway, this post is not about the baby, it's about carrot cake. Dorie's carrot cake to be exact. TWD made this a while ago (recipe here) and I made them again recently in cupcake form. The cake is delicious and just the right thing to satisfy that carrot cake craving. So make this cake!
PS seeing as how baking is not happening as often around here, what else would you like to see on the blog? I want to post more but I don't know what you readers would find interesting.

PSS special thanks to Laurie of TWD and Katie of The Cake Slice for being so patient and understanding. I hope to get back into group baking form as soon as the little one decides she'd like to let mama back in the kitchen.

Confessions of a New Mom

I apologize in advance to those of you who come here looking for food. I also apologize for this blog taking a turn into mommy blogging land. I still haven't gotten back into my kitchen routine. If I bake once a week or if I cook more than 3 times a week I consider it a good week. Just when I think I'll be able to get back into the kitchen something happens to deflate those plans. It is extremely difficult to set up a solid routine when you have a baby, especially one that decides she only likes to sleep in hour-long increments during the day. So this post is about my experience with parenthood. The past 5 weeks with Catarina have been incredible and hard and I thought I'd share with you my reasons for why parenting is so hard in the beginning.

Note: this is based solely on my experience and some of the things I've listed might have been a none issue for others. Also, this is coming from my experience as Catarina's mother. Everyone's parenting experience will be different based on their child.

Reasons Why Parenthood is Hard During the First Month

1. You have to get used to not sleeping at night. Your sleeping occurs in naps from now on.

2. You have to get used to having this little person be completely dependent on you. Marriage is not the ball and chain, a child is (I don't mean this in a bad way). Your life is forever changed and you will be eternally connected to your child. You may spend a few hours away from your child, but you will never have a true break from them.

3. Your child is selfish. It's a lot of you giving and giving. What you get in return from your child is very little. You are responding to their cues and they don't care if you want to shower or eat. They just aren't considerate like that. It's not like the baby says thank you after every meal. It's your powerful and consuming love for the baby that helps you get through the day. Sure, the baby does cute things that make it all worth it (it's your reward for your hard work but you cant predict when you'll get it). It isn't until the baby starts interacting with you that you feel like your relationship with the baby isn't so one-sided. When Cati calms down at the sound of my voice I feel like a million bucks. She may not know I am her mother yet but she knows I am someone really important and someone she finds comfort in. That's her way of giving back to me for all that she receives from me.

4. Dads are great but they don't do as much as you do. You will be doing the majority of the work. That's just the way it is. Dads are there for support and to help you rationalize things (see #5), but you become a mother long before he becomes a father. It's not their fault, we carry the baby for 9 months and feel connected to the baby before they do.

5. The emotional investment is bigger than anything else you have been emotionally invested in and you are way more invested in the child in the beginning than the father is. Because this investment is so huge you worry about everything and you take everything personally. Baby doesn't latch? It's your fault. Baby isn't gaining weight? It's your fault. Baby isn't developing well? It's your fault. Everything feels like it's your fault even when it's not. With Cati's issues in the beginning I blamed myself and felt like a horrible mother. This was an isolating feeling because Alex didn't blame himself and he didn't feel like a failure as a father. But because he didn't feel the way I did he helped me step outside of my emotions so that I could see things more clearly.

6. Your reality is way different from your expectations. Sometimes it's hard to reconcile the two.

7. You are terrified of screwing up and being a horrible parent.

8. You realize the permanence of your decision to have a child. Once the baby is born there is no turning back. You will forever be that child's parent. You can't return the baby or wish it back in your belly. You have to leave the hospital and you have to take the baby with you. You have to adjust to the fact that everything in your life is different now that you have a child.

9. You don't know how to read the baby in the beginning. If you get frustrated when your dog gets sick and it can't communicate what's wrong, prepare to be completely overwhelmed when your child cries and you can't figure out why. You'll figure things out but those first few days of dealing with a crying baby and not knowing how to console him or her are heartbreaking.

10. The learning curve is huge. Just as the baby has to get to know you, you have to get to know the baby. What works one day may not work the next. They key is to try to ignore the comments/suggestions/advice of others and do what works for you and what your instinct tells you to do.

11. And lastly, and most importantly, no one tells you how hard it will be and how normal it is for things to feel hard. If someone is honest with you about their experience, latch onto them and go to them whenever you need someone to talk to. I feel good about parenting and caring for Cati NOW. A month ago I felt overwhelmed and like I wouldn't make it through another day. If it wasn't for my friends I don't know how I would have dealt with how I felt. I'd imagine I would have felt very isolated and alone in my feelings when the reality is that what I felt was completely normal. I really am amazed at how people either don't talk about the first few weeks with the baby or how pretty of a picture they paint.
I would love to hear about your experiences with parenthood and what things top your list for why parenthood is so hard in the beginning.

PS a huge thank you goes out to Ale, Jen, Lauren, and Mon. You guys have been a great source of comfort and support and if it weren't for all your reassurances the past 5 weeks I don't know what I would have done. Thanks for reading my novel-sized emails and for inspiring me to come up with this list in the first place.

Quick Rice Krispy Cookies

The baking rule around here now is that I can only bake things that are quick to put together. Or at least that's the rule around here if I want to bake. This rule came into being because Catarina does not like to sleep for long stretches during the day. If I'm lucky she'll sleep a full hour before waking up to feed or just hang out. These rice krispy cookies were easy to put together and because they were so easy I decided to throw some marshmallows into the mix. The rice krispy gives the cookie a good crunch while the marshmallow gives the cookie a stick-to-the-roof-of-your-mouth-chewy goodness.

Rice Krispy Chocolate Chip Cookies
Source: Ice Cream Before Dinner (here) adapted from Imperial Sugar and Cookie Madness
makes about 24 cookies

1 stick unsalted butter, softened
1/2 cup light brown sugar, packed
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 large egg, room temperature
1 1/4 cups all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 heaping cup Rice Krispies cereal

Preheat to 350 degrees F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or a silicone mat.

Using an electric mixer, cream the butter and sugars together. Add the vanilla and egg, mixing just until incorporated.

In a separate bowl, whisk the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt together to mix. Add flour mixture to sugar mixture and stir until almost blended. Add the chips and cereal and stir until mixed.

Drop by tablespoons, spacing 2 ½ inches apart, onto cookies sheets. Bake for 10-15 minutes or until slightly golden brown around edges.