Wednesday, April 14, 2010

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Two Months

My, how time flies. I can't believe Catarina is two months old. This month has been full of can't believes. I can't believe I've survived another month full of sleep deprived nights. I can't believe Catarina has survived. I can't believe my baby girl gained 3 lbs this month (I'm doing something right!). I can't believe my 2-month old is fitting comfortably in her 3-month clothes. I can't believe she's growing so much on breastmilk alone. I can't believe I have been exclusively pumping for 8 weeks (more on that some other time if you're interested). I can't believe my little girl is starting to discover her body parts and her voice. I can't believe how quickly things change and how unrealistic it is to have any kind of routine. Most importantly, I still can't believe I am a mother and that my heart hasn't exploded. I've never felt so full of love and patience in my life. The love I feel for my daughter is so profound and deep that I feel it flowing through my veins and it feeds my soul. I am happy with my little miracle and can't believe I have the honor of being this child's mother.At first I thought there was some kind of mistake; how could they let me have a baby? What makes me qualified to be a mother? But now, two months in, I see there was no mistake. I was meant to be a mother and the strength to do so was within me the whole time. I just needed Catarina to tap into it; her cries, her smiles, her tears were all calling cards to my answering sense of mothering. I can't imagine life without her and life before her seems to be a part of someone else's story. I often find myself wondering how someone so small can elicit such large emotional reactions and can change things so dramatically.I have said before that love is what keeps you going and it's never been truer. Love makes me ready to face another day, it helps me understand that not every day will be a bad one, it makes me savor the moments that pass too quickly, and it makes me excited for all the beautiful moments yet to come. Love makes me patient and forgiving. Love also makes me sad. Why does Catarina have to grow up? Why is it that one day she'll realize she isn't the baby anymore and tell me to stop treating her like one? Why is it that she has so easily stolen my heart when her heart doesn't even belong to me? How is it fair that my life has forever been changed because of her and one day she will leave me to start her own life?
The best way to describe having a child is by calling it bittersweet. It's a beautiful experience but it's also an experience intricately tied with mourning. You celebrate the moments and then mourn their passing. I was happy Catarina no longer fit into her newborn clothes but then I realized that she will never be that tiny again. She's growing and there's nothing I can do to stop that. She won't be this tiny for long. She won't need me like she does now and one day she may not even want me around. She won't always be calmed by my voice or soothed by my presence.
I know this may seem like a huge leap in thoughts but with how quickly time flies it's hard not to think of the changes the future holds. Heck, every day now is full of changes. All I can do is try. Try to enjoy the moment. Try to not wish it away. Try to hold Catarina just a little bit longer. Try to love a little bit harder.Photo by Breathtaking Memories.

Catarina is two months today and all I can do is try to not shed a tear at the thought that my baby won't be a baby forever.


Marthe said...

Awww, your Catarina is super cute!!

Elly said...

She's such a cutie! I would love to hear about your pumping - thinking of making the switch to exclusively pumping myself in another week or two. This whole wondering how much breastmilk my son is getting is stressing me out!