I don't know how to really organize these posts anymore so I'm just going to write about the memorable and meaningful moments/happenings this week:
Feeling Tearful. Like I said the guilt related to Cati has been huge. I left her Friday morning as an only child with the knowledge that the next time I saw her she would be an older sister. I cried when I said goodbye, thought about her as I labored, and couldn't bring myself to talk to her over the phone while in the hospital. My perfect little girl, who was an only child for two solid years, now had to be bumped down to divided attention. Add to that the feelings of being a cheater: I felt as if I was cheating on Cati by having another child and loving Elina as much as I do.
Breastfeeding. Oh me, oh my. Breastfeeding is again an issue. I do not want to pump again so this week has been spent focusing on getting a good breastfeeding relationship going. I've had three lactation consultations and the last one has really helped. Turns out, Elina not only had problems with latching but also with sucking. She now gets finger fed (catheter taped to my finger and she sucks on it to get milk) to practice her sucking and then I put her on the breast. After, I still have to pump to prevent engorgement but hopefully this is only temporary once she gets better at sucking and latching.
Feeling the Love. It always amazes me how loved our family is. Friends have come by to drop off food, diapers, wipes, and basically anything I need.
VBAC Thoughts. There are general discomforts about recovery but it's so worth it. I would not trade this recovery for a c-section recovery. I only had IVs while I labored, I didn't look as swollen afterward as I did after Cati was born, I was walking within hours of Elina being born, my hospital stay was shorter, and I was already out and about driving around Miami three days post-partum. The VBAC, however, solidifies the fact that Elina is our last pregnancy. If I were to get pregnant again I would want to try for a another VBAC and the whole experience of being considered high-risk and knowing that any little irregularity during the labor process will immediately make the doctors jump to c-section talk is too much to go through again. Not only was it stressful for me but it was also incredibly stressful for Alex.
Father of Two. The saddest moment this week was when Alex's brother's girlfriend asked Alex how it felt to be a father of two and he responded with "I wouldn't know, I've barely been around." To say that he's been busy is an understatement and on average he's been getting home after midnight (this is after leaving the house at 5:30am). Luckily, Alex had the weekend after Elina was born off so he was able to be with her then, but he has been getting home so late during the week that he hasn't been able to see Cati or help out much with Elina.
And so Elina is already one week old and Cati is beginning her third year of life. Here's to another week of surviving and hoping that I can be present enough to enjoy this very moment without wishing for time to work it's unstoppable forward movement.