Inside Outside

I was pregnant with Catarina for 296 days. From May 11, 2009 to February 14, 2010 I carried Cati. She grew from two cells to a cluster of cells to a baby. I remember being in awe of my body and it's ability to create and nurture a new life. I grew a baby. A baby who would one day become a fully grown, walking, and talking person.

When I was pregnant all I had to do was stay healthy. If I was healthy, then the baby was healthy. It was easy. Uncomfortable at times, but easy. For 296 days I was with child and each day, as my belly swelled, I built dreams and hopes around the child that had stolen my heart without me ever meeting her. She was a stranger to me then just as she is a stranger to me know.

Photo by Breathtaking Memories

I remember feeling detached from myself when Cati was first handed to me. One minute she was in my belly and the next she was in my arms. This baby that I dreamed about and spent hours wondering what she would look like was real. She was no longer some baby moving around in my belly, she was Catarina Alessandra. It's as if she become a real person once she was born and those 296 days spent in my belly were all a figment of my imagination.

Cati has been with us for 296 days. She has been outside for as long as she was inside. Although we got off to a rough start, the past 296 days have been the most amazing 296 days of my life. I have seen my child go from a helpless infant to an active and curious baby. I have never known love like the love I feel for my child. I didn't know it was possible to go from frustrated to elated in .076 seconds all because of a gummy smile. I didn't think it was possible to live each day in equal measures happiness and fear. Happiness because I feel lucky to have such an amazing child but fear because I'm afraid that I will be eternally broken if something were ever to happen to Cati.

Each day truly is a blessing. I'm so madly in love with my daughter.