Thursday, March 24, 2011

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Guest Post: The Other "M" Word

"Miscarriage" had seemed like such a trivial word to me. I never heard of anyone that I knew having a miscarriage, and I always figured that I was healthy enough that it could never happen to me. Well, after going through it, I could never wish that experience on any expecting mother, or any family for that matter.

The emotional roller coaster one goes through is unbelievable. In the time between that positive pregnancy test and the miscarriage, we had practically planned out everything. There were belly photos taken. We had names picked out for whatever the sex the baby would eventually be. I was already walking around talking to my belly. I would go to sleep at night holding my belly. There were already discussions about breast feeding vs. formula feeding, living arrangements, baby furniture, etc. My husband was in awe of how fertile we apparently were -- pregnant on the first try. After such a rough month behind us, this was the light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing could be wrong in the world.

Throughout the entire miscarriage process, all those wonderful thoughts vanished . They were replaced with so much negativity...How could this happen? Can I not carry a child? The word miscarriage has such a negative conotation. Just breaking it down mis - carriage implies that I did something wrong. The guilt that rushed over me was unbearable and I felt like less of a woman. I cried until my eyes were red and puffy, and then I cried some more. I could barely sleep at night since my mind was racing or I was crying or my eyes were just too sore from crying all day. I spent the week out sick from work and hung out at home browsing miscarriage boards online which were comforting. I really need to give a big thanks to my husband for being so supportive throughout the whole process. I know he was not in the best emotional state, first losing his father and now his unborn child.

Funny thing is, I realized that miscarriage really is a touchy issue with women. I had no idea so many women from my everyday life had either experienced a miscarriage (sometimes several miscarriages) or knew someone close to them that had. Women who have had a miscarriage(s) are part of this underground club, and they carry around this deep dark secret, only revealing it when they meet a new member to the club. Why is it such a big secret? I don't know if it's that women are too ashamed to share their experience. At least in my experience I think the major reason I didn't go announcing it to the world was more that I just didn't want to talk about it. Talking about it meant I had to relive the experience again, and then hear the sympathies from others not able to relate what I was going through. I know their hearts are in the right place, but all I could think of was how much I wanted to be isolated and left alone. My husband made most of the calls to his family and my dad explaining what happened. I just did not want to be around anyone.

I am happy to say that I'm on the rebound now and back on the horse. It took about a week after the miscarriage happened, around the time I finally stopped my week of bleeding. I guess having the bleeding finally stop helped me feel more normal and a bit more able to look past this tragic event. I obviously still think about what happened but I believe that the miscarriage was probably a result of all the stress my body and heart went through with the passing of my father-in-law. All that chronic emotional stress could not have been a good environment for a baby to develop in. Or at least I've convinced myself of this so I move on. I've continued eating healthy and taking my prenatal vitamins religiously in hopes that I am in the best possible health to conceive. Let's see how things pan out over the next couple of months.

This guest post was written by Alex of South Florida Momma. She has since gotten pregnant and given birth and is now the mother to an 8-month old son.

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