Thursday, March 3, 2011

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Holding On & Letting Go

There are points in my motherhood journey where I stop and ask myself "Why are you holding on? Why aren't you letting go?" These moments come and go and come up in so many different situations. The most recent one was the last time I packed clothes away. The memory of when Cati wore certain items still fresh and the desire to squeeze her into them one more time make me hold on to them and prevent me from packing them away. I tell myself over and over again that she can wear it one more time. That it's ok if the dress now fits her as a shirt. I can make it work. But why? Why do I hold on if it's just clothes? Why do I hold on if there are plenty of other clothes for her to wear? Because the clothes are more than just fabrics sewn together; they are the physical representation of what was. Cati will never be that small again. She is growing and I can't stop her. The only control I have in this is holding on to her clothes and pretending they will fit her one more time.

Motherhood is a series of holding on and letting go moments. We hold on for as long as we can until we have no choice but to let go. Sometimes, we let go willingly but most of the time we let go with sadness in our hearts. Yes, it's true that we let go and open our arms to embrace something better, but even then, we are stuck in the cycle of holding on and letting go. Just as we are truly enjoying and relishing a particular stage, it's time for that stage to end. Simply put, motherhood is a bittersweet experience.


brandydreamz said...

I once heard of someone who saved all of her daughter's dresses from when she was a baby, and had a quilt made from them, and gave it to her when she was old enough to appreciate it~~maybe you could do something like that~~or maybe buy her some baby dolls, and let her dress the dolls in the clothes~~anyway, at least you have lots of pictures of her wearing them to remember it all!

A/K said...

true true true.