Friday, June 4, 2010

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This Week in Mommyhood

My immune system is taking a beating. This lack of sleep and rest is making me susceptible to colds. I spent a total of 3 hours at my in-law's house and I ended up catching the cold that my mother-in-law had. Better me than the baby, but still. I've been fighting a running/stuffed noise and a throat that hurts so much I sound like a boy going through puberty. I didn't know my voice could crack. On top of it all, I have been sneezing extra and it turns out that my sneezes are so violent they scare Cati. Not only does she cry after I sneeze, but my sneezes will also wake her up if she's sleeping. Who would have thought?This week was tough for me emotionally as well. I have my moments where I don't feel like I am fit to be a mother because I don't see myself enjoying as much as I think I should. I have this beautiful daughter who I adore beyond words and, yet, I cry when I look at her at times because I feel like I don't love this job as her mother enough. I find myself constantly wishing for her to be older and I don't savor the present enough. I know each stage of development has its own set of difficulties but I can't stop thinking that the next stage will be easier somehow. I know that a lot of how I feel is rooted in the fact that I spend so much time alone with Cati. I am with her 95% of the time. Because Alex's schedule is so hectic (this past week he's had 16 hour days) I am left caring for Cati the majority of the time. I am glad I am the one caring for her but in all the caring for her I don't care enough for myself. I get lost in the shuffle and I need to do something to change that.
In good news, Cati flipped from back to belly this week! Lately, she's been turning to her side a lot but she's never been able to push herself the last bit needed to go from back to belly. It was so cute to watch her to do it because she got so frustrated when she couldn't figure out how to get the hand she rolled over out from under her. She eventually got it but by that time she was done with being on her belly.
Cati and Perla notice each other more and more. I love that my two girls are growing more aware of one another.
Cati still continues her difficult feeding habits, except now she likes to chew on the nipple during her overnight feedings. Talk about frustrating. During the day she gets so distracted that she could easily go 6 hours without eating. I hate that she does this because what she doesn't eat during the day she makes up for at night. She's lucky she's so darn beautiful.Car rides have gotten soooo much better. I can't believe how enjoyable they have become. She sits quietly during the car rides now and if she starts crying all I have to do is play Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet" and she calms right down. I finally have a good trick up my mommy sleeve!


Mrs. Alex P said...

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with the feelings you are having. Being the sole care taker for a baby is hard work and drains even the best of us but doesn't mean you love your child any less. My son is 7 and a half months old right now and it is finally starting to get a little easier but i still have days where my husband finally comes home from work and i tell him i just need a break. It is amazing what a 20 minute bath or a quick, baby-free, run to target can do for ones mental stability.

Laura Blaauwiekel said...

i love the last foto! She's beautiful! I have to whait 4 months till i see my sweet baby.

Jess said...

What a lovely little girl! Don't worry about not loving motherhood every minute. People who say they do are lying. It is hard, hard work, especially when you are the primary caretaker. My hard and fast rule is: when the baby sleeps, you either sleep or do nothing productive - naptime is your time!

Esther said...

It gets easier...I promise. Alexander got easier to manage every 6 months. Hang in there!!!

Katrina said...

It DOES get easier. My first was definitely the hardest and he was also my most tempermental baby. Frustrating times. But he just turned 12 and 3 more boys later and it's all good.
What about PPD (postpartum depression)or even just the baby blues? Could talk to your dr.
Hang in there--she's a cutie!